It doesn't get easier....

At least not for me.

I go to sleep every night hoping and praying that when I wake up, I will feel refreshed. I want to feel relaxed, comfortable, at peace. I can't. I wake up, and I feel so wrong, so out of place. I'm trying to find my happiness again, but every time I look, I see nothing. I feel nothing.


And so I sit.

One month ago, yesterday.

And this was probably the most miserable month of my life. My spelling errors are improving slowly. I am remembering English, but messing up my sentences still. My Brazilian exchange student went home last week, and now I am speaking English only here...but speaking very little anyway. I have not left my house very much...I'm currently experiencing an inexplicable type of depression. It's subtle...but it is definitely there.

I wish luck to anyone who is son exchange, going on, or planning on it. Also, I encourage anyone out there to try it, even a short term, but I can't imagine staying any less time than I did.

Brasil will always be in my heart and on my mind. I will never forget it, and never forget to visit and keep in touch. I hope to go back sooner than later, and continue to broaden my view of the world. Add onto my global community. I start college in August. That's not a weird thought, but a little frightening. Not frightening because of the change, I feel like I can wade through ANYTHING now...Frightening because I will be broke, and my traveling would most likely have to be put on hold, if I were any other person. Money is not important to me, I have my life to pay off loans. The experience you gain from traveling is priceless, worth more than you can imagine. So...here's to the future.

I've realized that some may look at me crazy. No one understands me. I get told that a lot. You can't read me, one can not predict what I will do or say, not even my best friend. I am very close to crazy, I suppose, being that I live in a dream world. But the difference between myself and any other dreamer, is that I work until I reach that. I make my dreams reality. Always.

Good luck with life everyone, thank you all for reading.

Surprise!

Well, I'm back "home" now. It feels so strange. I feel sick. I feel like doing nothing. It was a long trip, but not horrible. It feels like bad dream. I left on June 24th, the night of my high school graduation. I missed that, but I came back for Bailey's party last night. I arrived the same day as the party and it was all kept a surprise. She screamed so loud, and cried. It was so great to see her again. And Grace, Bridget, other friends. It was cool to see everyone again, and I was greeted pretty warmly by people I have not spoken to in such a long time. I did not feel like being at the party. It was a long trip, and the worst day of my life. I left everything I fell in love with back in Brasil. Everything. Including my life. I loved every single day. Even the bad ones.


I went to the airport in Curitiba with my Rotary President, his wife, daughter, and my boyfriend. It was harder than leaving here in the first place. I cried so much. I got sick on my first plane, and just....ignored that it as happening. It has yet to hit me as a reality. I am so far away, I am back where I always was, and I am bored, feeling awkward, and sick.


My best friend and the love of my life passed away. My dog. Beethoven. I loved him more than anything in this world. I always will. He was my first dog I ever had, the first thing I ever loved. I trained him and fed him, bathed him and took care of him. He was my baby. The cutest dog you will ever see. He passed away months ago, but no one told me. I came home to a quiet house, which never happened. I don't know why he was taken from me. I remember my entire exchange, everyone asked me "Aren't you homesick?" I said no. "You don't miss your family?!" No....just my dog.


And he is not here. I feel like if I was here, he still would be. I feel like it's my fault. I miss him entirely. I had dreams about him all the time, I always imagined seeing him around my city in Brasil, after he passed away, but I thought I was crazy. He was with me, and will always be in my heart. I never knew something could hurt so much. He was ripped from me. I would do anything, give ANYTHING, to have him back. I never even said goodbye. When I went to Brasil, I rubbed his tummy, gave him a treat and said "I'll see you soon" only then did I cry. Leaving him.

He was hit by a car. My parents found him in the street, and he was still alive...But he had internal bleeding and broke his hip I believe. she said his eyes were the same, but they just closed. Forever. This was on Christmas eve. He is in my yard now,
buried between the fruit trees.

I have never cried for a person dying. It is nature. But losing my dog, it has hurt me more than anything ever has. It hurts more than missing Brasil. I can go back to Brasil, but I can't have my baby back. I have never cried so much in my life.

Beethoven, I love you forever.


I do have another dog now. But he has not been replaced. Not even close. My mom adopted a Yorkie a few days ago. There was one at a local shelter, and he was going to be put down because no one could take him in. He has a problem in one eye, and his hips or legs. Sometimes they don't work right. He is very old (11 years) but very sweet. He is not a replacement.

I'm scared. I am never scared of anything.

Except butterflies. They are disgusting. But maybe that's what the problem is. butterflies...in my stomach.

My time here is running out. Every day is flying by me faster than I can grasp. I am so accustomed to life here. I love my life here. I am terrified of the day that I have to board that plane and ride back to New York.

My friends and family here always ask me if I am homesick. The answer is a definite "NO!" My first month here was the hardest experience of my life, but shortly after, I discovered a new life in me. In Brasil, EVERYTHING is different. I like it like this. I like to wake up every morning and have a legitimate smile on my face. I like walking through a city and feeling safe, or famous, or just....known. I never feel alone here. I can not say the same for New York.

I know that I will return here one day. To Palmas, yes, but to Brasil I am definite. I can, in all honesty, imagine a life in Brasil. A future. And I will be coming back. I hope to do my time in the Peace Corps after my first four years of college, and hopefully with my somewhat understandable Portuguese, I'll be in Brasil!

I am not done traveling yet. Not even close. I have heard so many people tell me "Enjoy this while you can, you won't have time later." You can forget that. I do what I want, what I feel is right and what I feel needs to be done. Always. When my mind is made, it's written in diamonds. It doesn't change. If I listened to other people in the first place, I never would have made it here.

To boil it all down, I do not want to leave. Ever.

A well deserved update...

First of all, I went to the Amazon just after my last post. I did some AMAZING things there. I spent two weeks there, five days in hotels and five on a boat in the river....can you imagine?! I couldn't either. I met so many amazing people and did some things a majority of the world can never say. I slept in a hammock on the boat, went piranha fishing, held a SLOTH from the wild, swam with botos (river dolphins) and I even took a jungle survival course :)

I think it's hilarious. As much as I support preserving our planet and nature, I don't even like camping. I am not a city person, but I don't belong in nature either. I forgot this until I arrived there, swarmed with heat, bugs and a whole hell of a lot of water. All in all though, it was a once in a lifetime trip. Not that I CAN'T do it again, I just doubt I would go through with it again! It wasn't just a vacation, it was actually challenging.

Speaking of challenges...for two or three days almost EVERYONE on the trip got super sick. Some stomach virus that was going around. That was very unpleasant. I thought I was going to die, really. Imagine: You are on a tour bus, and one by one, the exchangers drop like flies, running to the bathroom, grabbing bags, etc....SO FUN. But I didn't let myself miss a day, no matter how keeling over ill and dehydrated I was. Smart, no. But necessary. Others took medication and went to the hospital, I refused. Stubborn, Amy. I know.

Life has been pretty good since then. I just get frustrated at the harassment there. It's nothing SERIOUS, just annoying. I can't walk down the street or go to school without people being stupid. I wont get into that, it's not important. No matter how bad of a day I have here, it is never actually a bad day. I love my life here more than I have ever. I never want to leave, I love this country so much. The only thing that keeps me going day to day knowing I leave here so soon, is that I will return. I know I could live in Brasil one day and be happy. From what I have seen this year, happier than I have ever been in New York. There is something about it here...I can't put my finger on it.

I go back to NY so soon, it makes me ill actually to think about. It is too soon. I have a sick stomach when I think about it. I go back and have almost no friends. I have my best friends back there, but as I have had almost a year apart, so have they. What if we changed? I have a few friends here that I hope never to lose touch with. I love them so much. They know who they are.

OH AND I'M SCARED BECAUSE I FORGOT BASIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR/SPELLING/ I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE.

Counting down...

Oh, confusion!

Last night was very good, but once I came home it became a bit unpleasant.

I stayed in yesterday for most of the day. My parents had their relatives over to watch a big futbal game (Internacional x Gremio). My family now is for Inter. I am pretty shy with them all, so I stayed in my room. Wagninho came over around four and we left for a few hours, I ate pinhao at his house, and we drank tea- Let me rephrase...I drank tea, he drank hot sugar water. Gross. Nonetheless, I can not begin to explain how completely lost I would be here without him. He has become my best friend in this city, and I will love him forever (:

My trip for Amazonia starts tomorrow, or it is supposed to. There was a lot of confusion last night that made me nervous. I had to contact my parents in New York and run around a lot today. Hehehehe, I did not go to school today....

...FUNNY I DON'T REMEMBER SWALLOWING GLASS. I never get sick in New York. Here I sometimes get sore throats or fevers or sick from food and what not. My throat has been hurting on and off but today it's super sore. Last night too. I just bought some Halls...which people laugh at me for. Here, cough drops are candy, in the US...they are medication. Weird.

Tonight I have to go to Pato Branco, another city, and meet with another exchanger there. Then we are travelling together to the airport in Foz. I hope it all works out. I need to go on this trip! Ahh! I've been too excited for this since I have come here, so it's hard to imagine something getting messed up. I packed all day today. I'm so ready (:

I don't think I'll have internet for ten+ days...so I will try to update after then. But knowing me, I will get lazy.

Missing prom.

It hurts a little bit, I wont lie. I moved on and accepted the fact that I am separate from my class now. The class I WAS in, actually. It is just hard that I went sixteen years of my life with them all, and then was torn and placed in a separate group. I got over the shock of that months ago. But now, I see all of these pictures popping up on my Facebook news feed, and I just remember last year. I got ready for Junior prom with Bridget, and I had an amazing time. Senior prom for me was hard. I knew I definitely did not belong. But I had a pretty dress with a party after. Just flashbacks make me feel a little. But like I've said so many times before, I would not trade this time here for anything.

In fact...I kind of don't want to go back there...ever. It was the hardest thing I had done in my life, walking away from my two best friends at the airport. I was completely caught off guard. I never expected it to be that difficult. Now, the clock is ticking...and I am thinking about when I have to leave my life here, with fewer chances of returning that I would like. I have friends that want to meet me at the airport here, too. But this time, I don't know how I could walk away.

I knew that this trip would not last forever, so not being able to see my friends there did not kill me. I have three best friends in New York, who make me SO proud to be there for them. I love them to death, and I knew that they would still love me too, when I came back. Here, it is much more risky. I love some people here to the point where I hurt thinking about leaving. And I know I will return here in a few years, but what are the guarantees they will remember me? None.

On a lighter note, I hope everyone has an amazing time tonight!

Things I have learned on my exchange, thus far...

1.) Never let a seven year old do your hair with a plastic round-brush.



Don't you wish I had more to add to this? I know I do.

Things I miss at the current moment:

1.) My dog. It's lonely when I wake up from an afternoon nap and have no one barking at everything that moves. Or doesn't. You know, he's special.

2.) Green tea. Here, I have little say in grocery lists, but I don't complain. Back in NY I would chug green tea daily.

3.) Driving. It's strange because I hate driving. Entirely.

4.) Being skinny. I gained weight here I have deemed unavoidable.

5.) Having control over all my money. Here, I have to call my mother and have her send it to me, which takes about ten percent of whatever I receive. Lovely.

6.) Working. If you know me, it's understood.

That's it right now.

This week was bad. I blame it on the medication. I have medication. It messes with me.

Tomorrow night is prom back in New York. Have fun everyone, be safe, and able to remember it :)

Strangely enough, I lost my connection with me "class" back home, so missing prom does not kill me. Not at sll.

Life is funny sometimes.

But sometimes it is just a pain in the butt.

I called home the other night, and talked with my mother. I needed to talk about some things, and I remember exactly how I felt throughout this conversation. My blood BOILED. I have not felt a stress or irritation, like I felt through the phone with her, not since I had left. I think it's funny how family can just get under my skin. I do not want to go back to New York, mostly because I can not picture living there again. It frustrates me. It also amazes me how I can just live so happily here. Life is so much simpler, everything is. Yeah, I have some complaints, but all in all, my life here is better than ever.

One issue I have here is gossip. It happens no matter where you are, but this city being so small makes ignoring impossible. I hate that they talk about me so much, in childish ways. I feel like in my class (the equivalent to senior year) they are less mature than the first class (9th or 10th grade.) I have friends outside of school, and one good friend in class. He is older than me, which is probably why we get along. I have a friend here who is 14, and he is already more mature than the 17 year olds in my class. How ridiculous.


Anyway, life is good. I just need money...

I go on a trip in 5 days! :)

I love understanding.

And it is well known how frustrated I become when I do not understand. I was with my friend Paulo today, and something made me crack up. First of all, he speaks fluent English, and with me always. When other people come along he cracks out the Portuguese. Anyway...today we went for coffee, and afterwards were walking around the city. A friend of his (who I had met already through another friend) came up. The two had a short conversation that went something like this:

"HOME!"
"Oi cara, tempo como vc esta?"
"Tudo bem, fui pra cafe agora...vc?"
"nada..."

Normal stuff, and out of the blue he said...

"Ela gostosa."
And Paulo..."Cara, ela te entende..."
"...oh..."

AAHAHAHAH. I always find it hilarious, but frustrating when people think I do not understand. This was a funny thing today, and after walking away kept laughing for ten minutes. I take it as a compliment. I love when people do that.

NOTE TO PALMAS: I UNDERSTAND YOUR LINGO.

Loving life.

10 reasons why I never want to live in an apartment ever again...

1.) I know the whole "I can't see you, you can't see me, cover your eyes" thing does not exist. But when I can see straight into someone else's home from my view, I can only imagine the show they get to watch.

2.) I have no patience for anything. This includes elevators.

3.) The LOVELY person on the first floor always wants to take the elevator, and other people's time.

4.) I do not want to hear you disciplining your children, arguing and I do not care what you are watching on T.V. among other things.

5.) I like grass.

6.) You are just as unfriendly as I am....why must we suffer so near?

7.) The constant fear of one neighbor burning down the entire building never leaves my brain.

8.) When you smoke on your balcony, I don't need to breathe it in. On nice days, I like my windows open. Thanks for the cancer.

9.) Cramped, white space only belongs on a spaceship.

10.) Going up the elevator to lunch everyday and smelling the plethora of mixed odors from every level is never a pleasant experience.

Have you ever seen a pigeon chasing another pigeon?

I did. In the center square today. I laughed, then tripped. I thought it was so adorable. I don't know it that is some pigeon mating thing, or one was just being a bully, or playing. I always heard pigeons were not so smart, or rat with wings, but nonetheless, it was adorable. One porker pigeon was chasing a skinnier one around, on foot. Other people did not think it was so funny...

PARABENS!

I wanted to post a very happy birthday to Wagninho. 19 today. We have not been talking much in the past few weeks, but you have been an amazing friend to me since I came here. Eu amo voce para sempre, obrigada por tudo, eu nunca vou te esquecer. Parabens, tudo de bom para sempre e felicidades.

Just a small update, we know I'm too lazy to post EVERYTHING now. And I forget sometimes. This past week has been hard for me. A lot went on and I feel horrible sometimes. But this too shall pass (as my mother would say). The clock is TICKING....and it is so weird. I love my life here. I love my friends here. I LOVE EVERYTHING....and when I leave...I leave what I love. And go back to what I fought so hard to get away from. In the next few years, two or three...I will return. I wish it could be forever. I built a life here I can never forget and realized this was the best decision I have ever made.

THE CLOCK IS ALSO TICKING BECAUSE IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS I GO TO THE AMAZON!!!! So excited!! I am so excited, but it is ten less days with my friends here.

I saw a puppy today. He looked JUST like my dog back home, and it made me so sad. I miss my dog, as much of a pain in the butt as he is, he's the only man in my life now hahahaha.

As cheesy as this will sound. I found my heart in Brasil, but also lost it again. It's the worst feeling ever and something I always tried to avoid. I will prevail, but I hate to do that alone...again.

I met my perfect sandwich.

And I feel like the way I eat here would make Vegan Amy very upset. I'm sure way WAY down deep inside, Vegan Amy is screaming. But, Vegan Amy has a sugar problem. She is a hypocrite. SO, anywho... cheese, goiabada, and Dorito's french onion dip on whole grain bread....it was SO good. Thank you current family here.
Speaking of, I'm in a temporary house this week, I moved out of my last place, and am currently with the family I lived with the week of my birthday. The familiarity is good. And they have food my last host mother would have her skin crawl over. I liked them though, as quiet as we were.

That is something that sucks. You don't realize how accustomed you are to living with people until they tell you "you move tomorrow." Sucks. It has been a day and I already miss having a little sister. I do not miss, however, not being able to use my own computer and having internet in the house. I think since my last family spoke so little, my Portuguese has suffered the past two months.I realize this now, as I try to speak and it's nearly impossible.

BAILEY IS IN FRANCE! I completely back any time people choose to spend overseas. Not really for vacations, that just gives you a tourist's view...but to live in another culture, it's something you will never forget. I can't wait to hear about that!

......

I recieved another package last week, from my parents. There were things for Valentine's day, Easter and just because. I got stackable bunny heads, that are crayons, and play doh to keep me busy in school. Both of which I used today.


I realize now that I have not said one word about the trip this past month, or anything else. Right now, I am frustrated and lazy again...so...more to come ;)

I will....

write an extremely long post tonight or tomorrow. As of right now, I am lazy. And it is beautiful outside :)

......

OKAY. I`ll settle on tomorrow. I'm lazy right now, and actually just moved into a new apartment. Until tomorrow...

;)

It's all good.

Last Friday my class had a party. I love these. Being in a small school is pretty cool, we all get along, no, we don't all like eachother, but we come together to have a good time. I think that's awesome.

I have little to say right now, other than it was a great night.

This week is a trip for all the exchange students in my district. I'm out of my city right now, in Pato Branco, which is a little over an hour away from Palmas. Tomorrow night we leave by bus for Curitiba. The trip goes to different places, and I head home Sunday afternoon. I'm missing out on school tomorrow, traveling here today made things easier. My host family was coming today anyway.

I'll write about the trip sometime next week, and upload bunches of pictures (from everything) when I get wireless to use my own computer.

I feel a little under the weather, but other than that it's all good. Everything. I just hate thinking about when I go back to New York...that feeling will disappear.

You leave everything for a "cultural experience"

And half way through you are over your head in love with a place you wish you could know forever.

Mixed feelings.

I am more than one half of my way through my exchange. I don't want to be. I am happier here than I can ever remember being. Seriously. I get frustrated sometimes, and sometimes I am bored to tears...But I am happy. I don't particularly love staying with families and what not....but it was great. Last night I talked to my previous host mother, and we were having an actual conversation. In portuguese. My language fades in and out, and sometimes I get pissed because I try to talk and people are like OH YOU SUCK oh, well, THEN LEARN ENGLISH. But I was speaking with her and another woman at the meeting last night, and I was surprised afterwards how well my words flowed together.

I don't want to leave here to go back home and be the same thing. Unhappy. I was never happy in New York. Waking up every morning was a struggle and getting out of bed to work and just go into the same routine of nothing. Now, I will go back to go to school, to a college I am not particularly interested, for a major I do not know what to do with, and a future I know nothing about. I have plans, but how much can that actually help?


I do not want to go back, not to New York, not to where I have lived my entire life. Same people, same place, same feelings.

Right now it is a mix of irritation and sad and anger and everything. I am enjoying the rest of my time here...but I have to think about going home all the time....college planning and what not.


I dislike New York.

I moved!

Again.

I like this family so far, but it is always strange to being so accustomed to one home, and then up and leave a week later, for somewhere different with a different family and different...everything. But I was nervous before...and now, not SO much.

First of, let me start off by saying this. NO INTERNET. Unlike the United States, internet here is not a given. Everyone does not have it. No internet in mynew apartment, just because. To use it, I come to the office anytime I want from 1-6 PM....only. It's horrible for me. I am not a "tech-junkie" by any means...but I need my internet. I can live without my cell phone, which I dont have here anyway. I don't watch TV, or did not before...and I have never had an ipod...I am an internet person. My little computer is now taking up space in my empty bags. Sad.

I also moved from a house to an apartment. So far, I have lived in three apartments, and one house here. I hate apartments...the benefit though, is that the weather is lovely and I can sleep with the window open a little bit, and bugs will not come in.

Also, I have a little sister. Seven years old, adorable, and a sweetheart. Kids are not, nor have they ever been my thing...but we played for a few hours last night, taught eachother words and watched Hannah Montana. YES.

It is also kind of on the COMPLETE opposit side of town than my school. Amy's getting her workout on woooo! I live one block from the gym...so I should probably start going back here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I am OBSESSED with Brazilian music. No. Sertenajo. I LOVE it. It1s this kind of country, pop, love music. The sounds are always beautiful, and I only understand some words and some songs, I WISH I knew lyrics. I will probably buy an ipod when I return to New York just to fill it up with Brazilian music. Beautiful.

I am sitting in the office right now drinking Gatorade...which like everything else is COMPLETELY different. Yesterday I tried the lemon, and it's not BRIGHT yellow,but looks more like natural lemon juice...also, it tastes good. Now: Frutas Cítricas. It tastes like grapefruit and carrot. Interesting.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I'm LOVING telling this story now:

I was called into the office yesterday afternoon. Ten minutes before school ended...I recieved the typical "oohs" and "ahhs" when I walked from my seat to the door. One friend was smiling WAY too big though. SOMETHING was going on.
I walked into the office (a door one foot away from the door to my classroom) and the secretary there pointed to this bouquet on the desk. It was for me. It was awkwardly large and yes, there was a card attatched. If you know me, you know exactly who these glittering roses and flowers were from. I could not help but smile, as MAD as I was at him.

My entire class looked at me and giggled and laughed...they also knew EXACTLY the boy who sent those. Imagine walking nine blocks, in a school uniform, obviously walking home from it having just ended...backpack and all....with a giant bouquet. Yeah....I got stared at, even by people that know me.

And might I add, what a lovely story that was for me to tell my new family THE FIRST DAY I was there. They laughed at me and I laughed at myself. Now, they sit in the entrance, in a lovely crystal vase, beautiful as ever. "I'm sorry/I love you" flowers. Damn. My new little sister, she and I refer to the boy (that I left unnamed) locoloco. That is his name :D

I can say this right now, leaving him will be the hardest thing I can imagine...

Misinterpretations.

I hope I spelled that right.

I'm too stubborn though, to check my spelling on here, out of confidence in myself, same as I refuse to use a translator, and I definitely confuse people here that way.

Well, I thought I had been told that I was moving Quarta-feira, which is Wednesday....so, on Monday I started to pack. I guess I shocked them because everyone is like "ready to go?" Opa.

I was nervous about my next house, and still am a little...but I was nervous about this house as well... and it turned out pretty well.

Now I am moving Monday after lunch. Crazy. I've been living in this house for three months already. It flew by. The only thing I missed was using MY computer, and being able to go out at night.

The other night after work, Wagninho came over. He had a little coffee with us and talked. Then he and I headed outside and while I was talking, I realized he just nods and smiles too much. He doesn't understand ANY English...besides "BEAUTIFUL GIRL!" hahahaha, so...I started to teach. I think I got somewhere, but we really only read a little bit and I taught him the days of the week in English. It's a start, right?

I would be the teacher everyone dislikes because I give too much work, I'm sure.

Two nights ago, I went to work with my current hostmother. She works at a public school in my city, and I go to school in the morning, she works sometimes in the mornings and afternoons, but at night there as well. Night school is SO different, firstly, it starts at seven and ends around 11.
The difference between public schools and private (where I currently attend) is shocking. All in all though, I was kept busy doing office jobs that night and it was fun :)

I went bowling last night... I convinced the boys to go because I said I would pay. It's cheaper here than in New York, though the boys said it would be expensive. Nooope. Four of us played three games in one house for less than 30 reals. I had fun, I lost miserably the first game, but won the last with a whopping score of 82...PATHETIC. But the boys stopped trying...so...I won. They messed up my last shot though :(

It's been good. I booked a date to come home, I'm TRYING to book my Amazonia trip, but my mother is ignoring my e-mails. I wish I could list on here the things that just irritate me beyond belief. Incompetency would definitely be there.

Oh, and I'm a LITTLE jealous. So many people I know on exchange are being visited in their last month here by family and friends and what not. It would be pretty sick to show people more than just pictures, it's great...but no. One boy is even flying home with them. Well, THAT would irritate me. Another thing. I like people. But for short periods of time :D

in a bad mood, for no reason at all

Today was a good day, but for some reason I ended up where I am right now, in that mood where EVERYTHING pisses you off...even the thought of someone, or the sound of someone's voice. Yes.

Also, in my bad mood, I realize how badly I don't want to go home in however long it is until my departure. I do like it here a lot, but that's not entirely why. I hate living with my parents, and having to see family, and live in close proximity to everyone who has always been. The fact that I am most likely going to college so close, it makes me sick. I don't want to, but my options are limited. I can always transfer, if I look into schools more....like I forgot to before. I hate that being around people you know brings on a sense of dependency, and I hate that. I live by myself and will be a hermit for life, I don't deny it. I am unfriendly sometimes. I am always friendly to new people and people for a period of time, but I get irritated too quickly, I am better off alone.

Yesterday, I said I wanted York Peppermint Patties. When I was younger those were my favorite candies ever. I just finished the last package of hot cocoa I had been sent here...and they were all (except one packet) mint chocolate. I hate mint.

I woke up this morning and was informed, by the maid, that I am moving Wednesday. I had no idea...and I'm pretty apprehensive about it. I feel like whenever I start to get comfortable in a place, I'm shipped off. Boo.

Today was great though. I went to another farm for a party, with the same family I went with yesterday. I rode a horse, played in a river (YES, REALLY), attempted to fish in the fish-less river, and just had a really good time. I felt really relaxed with them all, it's great. Regardless of the fact that I pretty much can not breathe, it was a successful day.

No one works tomorrow. It's the official Carnival feriado day. No work. Holiday.



I WANT MAIL.
Hm.

Things I am craving as we speak:

York Peppermint Patties, Cherry BlowPops, Panera Bread Bowls, my chocolate chip cookies, pickles on my ice cream, TERRY Dineen's (vegan <3) Yellow Pea Soup, PB&J (which I actually detest), SmartLife vegan sausage, Lay's Classic.

People I am missing right now: Four people and one doggy.

People I don't want on Facebook: My mother.

What else is on my mind: Twitter.

Stressing, JUST a tad.

College, memories, here, there, and everything else.

Let me start out happy. First off, IT'S CARNAVAL!! In my city here, there is really not much going on, anything really, for the week, but I got twelve hours of sleep last night and I am not complaining. Plus, a week of school vacation (alomst a week). I have been sleeping a ridiculous amount lately. Going to bed early, here, it just doesn't happen. But I let nothing interrupt my sleep, I am not Brazilian in that way. hehehe. I've been in bed by 9:30 most days, and wake up by my mental alarm clock at 6:30 every morning. After school, I get home, eat lunch, then take a very long nap :D It's great. I only slept in school two times last week too, thank yu very much.

Also, last night I went to the bus station with Wagninho to see some friends come in from Curitiba! I was really excited, one goes to a different high school there, another to university. I miss those boys like crazy and talking to them for a little bit was great. And...It's only been a few weeks since I've seen them!

I hate that my college is not worked out yet. I always have doubts and take into account well...EVERY little thing about it. I'm two steps away from just going to HVCC when I come back, and sorting it out from there...but I most likely will not. I wanted to go to UK, which is huge and far away. I'm not sure how good their academics are..but I wanted to go somewhere large where I can be myself and at times remain anonymous. Also, 13 hours seems like a good distance.

I always said that once I leave home, I don't want to come back. I've said that and meant it since I can remember, but if I come back from BRAZIL and go to college 20 minutes from where I have lived my entire life...I may have to hate myself.

I wish sometimes, that I could somehow stay here...though I know I cannot. I am happy here, happy for the first time in life. I don't miss family, and very few friends have left any impact on me. I find myself more and more puzzled every day. I have to go back to New York, and go to college. For what and to be what, I really do not know. I always change my mind. I do not like to feel "stuck" and I always do what I feel is right.

At the same time, I log onto facebook and see all these memories I feel like I should have been a part of. I am not a sentimental person at all. I just think a lot. I always thought that I would graduate with my friends, and enemies, and now it's different. I remember reading an article online, it said that facebook lowers your self esteem. People read about how awesome everyone else's lives are and it makes you think bad of your own. That's not really my case. I am still smiling, and will until I board that plane in July.

College stress is getting to me, and it's so much harder to do all my waiting and deciding here.

Too good.

Life. I mean, if I could successfully be a vegan here, this would be heaven, sometimes.

This weekend, I went on a Rotary trip, not with other exchangers, though I did meet two there. I traveled with two other boys from my city, one in my class here, the other will be leaving for Taiwan in August, and together we went to Pato Branco (White Duck). This is a relatively small city as well, but compared to Palmas it's gigantic. I was apprehensive to go, but glad I did. Tons of others my age went, from all around District 4640. I talked with boys I met there mostly, but the girls were awesome too. I took a bunch of pictures, but wont post them for a month or so...not until I get back on my computer. It was perfect except for the fact that I am huge now. That is so ridiculous of me to say, because I am not ugly, I am not fat...I am just larger than when I had arrived here, and not enjoying my clothes being tight.

I talked with the two other exchange students there last night. One is from Denmark, the other from Germany. Both were very nice and beautiful, and also agreed that they do not eat more or very unhealthy here, the weight gain just...happens. That is what all the exchange students I have talked to said. I hate it but I will lose it when I go back to New York...but then I go to college...shit.

I love meeting people from outside of this city. I do not hate Palmas, but it is SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO small. Tiny. And I really do not travel much. I love my friends here and I think a small city is a good place for me, but having more freedom would be awesome. I just love Brazil in general...not as many white people. People give me bad looks when I say that, not here, but there. I mean, whatever. Naturally, I have always been atracted to people with dark hair, dark eyes and dark skin. Soooo much, love it. Ironic how what I like and what I settle for are complete opposites. Yikes.

Everyone here thinks I am beautiful. It's my eyes though, blue eyes are super rare, and I guess mine are extraordinarily bright or something. My hair too, they love my hair, whereas I would love to shave it off. I had a conversation and we all realized we love oppostites. Here, they think light skin, eyes and hair is most attractive. I could not disagree more.

All in all, minus being a little sleep deprived...I had a great weekend. We even saw a mime, which was cool. We did a lot of sitting and listening (yeah, I can actually do that) but it paid off. I met great people that I will not forget :D

Daylight savings kicked my ass

But in a funny way.


okay, so first of all, my host parents went away for the weekend. I stayed here with my host sister and we held down the fort. This has no significance to my story whatsoever, except for her not telling me.

When I first came to Brazil, I thought there was a two hour time difference, I guess there was, but it turned to daylight savings time in New York, and it turned out to be three hours ahead here. Brazil does things differently, and until this morning, I was convinced they just did not change their clocks.

I woke up today at 7:15 A.M...which was horrible, because I leave for school at 7:25 every morning (it is a two minute walk, two blocks left of here, how convenient). I started freaking out silently. My entire host family was asleep. The parents here always are, as one works from home, and the other teaches at school at night time. I got dressed and ready to go, fresh faced (I'll add a little about this later) and knocked on the door next to mine, as she was sleeping still. No answer. I started to freak out a little, it was a weird combination, the sun was SHINING through my window, and my mental alarm clock (which I love) went off. It was time. Finally, at 7:35, late for school, she walks out of her room, and says "6:30"..."No, it's 7:30" I had protested..."6:30..." I looked at my clock, then my watch, then the other clock. 7:30. Daylight savings makes it six, and the clocks changed over the weekend. We, having stayed home, with no obligations, did not change them, and she had forgotten to tell me. Well, it was funnier in the moment. Exchange students are always the weird ones. But we make for a good time.


This morning, with extra time on my hands, I decided to put on a little eyeliner. I hadn't touched it since the Baile do Havai, and before then, I can't even remember. It's so weird that my makeup changes so much, but over the years I've been wearing less and less. I immediately washed it off this morning. I looked disgusting, and all I had applied was a teeny thin line to my top lid. Gross. I prefer just mascara now, just. I feel like girls who need to paint their faces everyday have something to hide. It's not pretty. On occasion, sure. ANYWHO, I'm not one to judge. We all know I'm a hypocrite.


This afternoon two of my good friends came over. I had hung out with them a few days ago as well, over the weekend, just walking around. I am pretty shy to speak Portuguese with most people, but with these two not at all. Wagninho is just goofy all the time, so I don't mind making mistakes, and he will correct me, but he understands for the most part. And as always, I just find getting along with boys easier. Yes, even here.

I've been singing a lot. I hate singing, but it gives me something to do. And not by myself. In class and when I walk and all the time. Not seriously, just goofily singing whatever lines come into my head. For the most part, its Lady GaGa and Miley and Justin Beiber....I know. I can't help it, they're catchy.

Okay

As frustrating as it can be, Portuguese is a lot of fun. I will never again call a pineapple anything but Abacaxi. It's just more fun. And a ton of other words too. I used to hate how words here sounded, now I love it. I'm talking a little more, now that people realize I can, and that I understand. Too many times though, I find myself going into a fit of nervous laughter...soo....they may think I understand nothing.


This week has been a lot of ups and downs. I'm HOPING to reserve my spot for the Amazonia trip in May!! Ahh, that was my motivation to stay my first month of being away. I can't wait!!!

I don't have my workbook for school (here it is a big book with all your subjects in it, workbook/textbook) because the store ran out. They said they should have had it by this week, but I still do not have one. My host mother is paying for it for me, which I am grateful for (it's kind of expensive, and they use four different ones each year). I want it so I don't have to be bored. Boredom is NOTHING compared to my first month in school, back when I had arrived. Then I did NOTHING at all, but I couldn't, I didn't understand. Now, I just find myself completely blocking out chemistry and math (more chemistry than math) and literature as well. I love that talent of mine. I can completely block out noise from my thoughts sometimes. So great. I sit there and doodle or just stare off into space...people think I am sad or upset I think, but I am just occupying time. Today I desided to write numbers during math, around a page on my notebook. I reached 2504 after one class or so of it. Needless to say I want my notebook so I can actually participate more.


Also, I have booked my return date. Well, a general date and I will be arriving sometime around that week. I refuse to disclose that information with anyone though.

I also decided that I am going to return to Brazil in AT MOST three years from now. The world cup is coming in three years here, I have heard. And as huge as soccer is here on a daily basis, seeing it be a huge, country-wide thing will be amazing. I want to be here for that, definitely.

I made a life goal to see the world before I am 25. Don't doubt me, coming here was just dipping my toe, and right now, I like how the water feels ;)

I seem to have forgotten

How much of a people person I am NOT. I guess. I'll start with good news.


Today, I bought a backpack. It was raining when I walked to school this morning and I got my books wet. If you know me, you know I keep better care of my books than I do of my dork self. Needless to say, I was irritated. I came home, ate lunch, and almost immediately walked to the store across the street to look. Some were all glitzy and stuff, others very masculine. I settled for a boy's backpack, but it could be said to be unisex I suppose. A small, blue Adidas bad was fine for what I need. I love school supplies, and the other afternoon I went out to buy a new note book< pencil case and random supplies. So effing cute by the way, all of the school supplies.

I now have a Pooh Bear notebook. Shut up. It came with stickers.

Also some good news-school. Today would have been a nightmare for me last year. Two classes of math (which is equivalent to 1.5 hours), two Biology, one Chemistry...and gym to end it right :)

But really...I love Biology. Chemistry I just had a nice teacher last year, and we know about my math issues. But today, I was taking notes, and I actually understood. Everything. I'm not talking about the language, because that comes and goes. We were working on math problems separately (Trigonometry), and when the teacher went over them....I had ACTUALLY done them right. And it was not hard. So weird. And in Bio and Chem I understood because it is mostly things that I had learned before. But I have to say...I think the education down here is WAY ahead of in the U.S....as in, they learn a WHOLE lot more than "we" do.


....


Okay. Today was a landmark day on my exchange. I got yelled at. No, not yelled at. I got a stern talking to. I got in trouble. And I guess it was just a matter of time. I am a pain in the ass. Less of one here, I think. But I'm probably not the best exchange student to ever live.
In New York, I got "in trouble" sometimes. I got yelled at a lot by some teachers, family and stuff. But I am good at ignoring things. The only person I ever took to heart that yelled at me was my boss. I remember when I got yelled at FOR REAL by her the first time. I cried like a baby and wouldn't look her in the eye for weeks. But it's different getting in trouble and getting told in a foreign language. I didn't feel like I was in trouble. My host mom here can he harsh but she was extremely light on me...I expected worse, because I saw it coming.

Anyway, I walked away unchanged. But it started to boil inside of me. I hate rules. I live a KIND OF tame life back home. I don't do things exceedingly dumb that most people my age do. I don't have rules to live by there. I hate that I have them here, though I am 18 now...and I can not live exactly the way my Brazilian friends do. So stupid.

and now I am pissed at this keyboard. It beeps and fritzes and the computer is horrible. I want mine back :(

Back to school!

Today was the first day back in school for the new year. Here the year is spread out differently, as you may have noticed. Summer vacation came to a close yesterday, and as depressing as that is....it is also not at all. School here is not horrible. It's pretty short, all things considering. The classes seem to be intense, and now it sucks because I actually understand things. I think my sleeping during class days may be over...damn.

A bunch of my classmates are not in my class anymore. There is also handful (actually, more than half of my class is made ) of new students. Most, if not all, just transferred from other schools in the city. It was cool because I was new to them today, most of my school is used to me by now, if not sick of me hahaha.

All in all, not a bad start. There was cake. I did not sleep a wink last night, regardless of heading to bed early. I laid in bed all night, and simply rolled out ay 6:30. That hasn't happened in forever. Also, the head of the school told me I need to start wearing the uniform. Luckily, for the grade I am in, the uniform consists of a heinous t-shirt.

....


Update. I wrote that last part earlier. I had finished writing and posted that just as I was walking out the door to buy my heinous uniform t-shirts. I must say, heinous does not quite describe the awful feelings I have for these shirts. Whoever designed this hates children.

January flew by.

Now that I think about it.


Things have been pretty slow lately. Since the Baile, I've spent days being a bit lazy. Visiting with friends and just keeping occupied. What is terrible though, is that school starts next week.

Don't get me wrong. I love school. I do. But here, it will be hard.
Everyone I used to talk to has either graduated, and moved on, or are moving to Curitiba. I am NOT exaggerating when I say this either...EVERYONE is going to Curitia. I have friends that have lived their already and will return for school, I know others who are moving there for school...be it college or finishing high school. It's tough. I do still have some good friends here....I hope. But none that I really talk with much. School here is a short day, but it will be a miserable, quiet one at that...

I realize that is my biggest frustration. NOT understanding. In New York, I would either accept that I understand or I do not. Things either came to me or they did not. Trying did little...take math, for example. I detest mathematics with EVERY fiber of my being. I can not do it, it does not register in my head, and I accept that it never well. History, on the other hand, I love. Facts about how things came to be and what not...I love it. It takes nothing more than reading to learn it. I remember it well, too. Portuguese...well....it's like walking up a gigantic hill of ice...with lava at the bottom (oh yeah, I know what that's like). I thought I wou ld elaborate on this, but I lost my train of thought. Think about it though. Every time I think I have it down....I slip. I can read and when I listen attentively, I understand. When I am tired or upset....I just block it out unintentionally, and understand NOTHING. That frustrates me. And once I lose my place in a conversation, I have no hope of catching back up. Some days are better than others... and well...sometimes it is just bad. It sucks, because I KNOW I can do it, and I can learn it. I just hate speaking. Every fucking word I say goes mocked. Excuse that language. But it is discouraging, really.

Yesterday was one of those days where I just could not feel better. One of the days I wanted to just count time until I left. I have a feeling once school starts...I'll go back to my calandar-making.

Don't get me wrong. Some things here I love. Some things about the culture and life here in general, but others I hate. I can not stand some parts of it. The same goes with New York. I miss my friends, and my diet...and feeling at ease with living in one place, anxiety-free. But so much there...I never want to return to. I wish I could take the good things from both and just, put them together. I can't imagine living a completely "American" life after this. But I will have to eventually leave it behind here. It is hard to think about...but things change.

And then it all went wrong.

No. I was thinking while looking at my last post, of a song....I do not recall whether it is from "Row Row Row Your Boat" or something else....I just keep thinkin gof "And that's how the polar bear died" (they will soon any way though, for real, YUP, if you keep up with your aw ful habits like driving for fun and eating carcas...AHEM) but instead of a polar bear...it was the internet. In the midst of writing my last post, my internet died. Completely. For two days. I will not delete that post for two reasons, a.) I REALLY did want to go to the pool, darn it. And b.) It goes to show how reliable this is down here. High speeeeed. The speed of dial up ;) but I am fine with it. Internet is internet. I just did a lot of reading.


SPEAKING OF WHICH. If you love me....you should send me a book. Of course that is ridiculous. Shipping is expensive, and I am picky. Also...that is more to put in my bag to come home (which I have learned, packing up everything is an impossible task already). If you know me, you know that I have ABSOLUTELY no problem embracing the dork in me. Especially when it comes to English. I love to read and write and be a nag about the grammar of others (though how dumb would it be of me to do that now...I keep using the wrong form of 'your' in my emails and facebook....DO NOT even get mye started about that. I hate that my english is awful...but it is for the best. Anywho...I love glasses and trucking around a large back pack and the smell of new books makes me happier than anything. I am a dork, to a degree.

I recieved a package the other night, it was one Brian had sent out two months ago. Candy, and a book. It's a book of four Stephen King (MY FAVORITE AUTHOR EVER EVER EVER) short stories. I have read two so far and love it. Though I prefer his longer novels...but I had not read this before so it's amazing. (I have read probably....more than half of his work, of his fifty novels, collections of short stories and writing as Richard Bachman, I am an enthusiast.... though I have criticisms I will keep to myself :P) Stephen King is my favorite author, ever. He makes me feel like no matter what I write, I will not be the most demented author out there one day....if that is what I choose. HHAHAHAHAH, who effing knows. Shakespeare, for those of you that know me, is one of my favorite writers as well, but I would not say author to describe him, he was a playwright :D

I did finally get to go to the pool. Yesterday afternoon. Two days before that as well. It has been hot but it rains EVERY day ( I am in love with rain though, so no complaints, but thats for later) Three days ago, it had been my first time at the pool in WEEKS. No friends went that day, but it was so sunny and pretty packed. I sat on a chair reading (re-reading for the third time) a book and getting some horrible UV rays. Next to me was my host mother and older host sister. Quite uneventful. I didn 't even touch the water. I thought I did okay. I applied Sunscreen over and over...but the sun IS stronger here. Isn't there a hole in the ozone here? There has to be. I'm not crazy. I am just so red on my chest that it was purple (the rest of me is tan though) So gross. But no peeling this time, THANK THE LORD. Yesterday was another short visit. I met some new people, swam a bit and talked to some soldiers. Prettttttty sick.

Last night was a dance. "Baile do Hawaii" (Hawaii dance, obvi) at the club. It was huge compared to the formaturas and New Year's party there. A live band played and everyone had SO much energy. I was bored at first but when my friends showed up I had a blast. I do not remembe much, and I wish I had taken more pictures. I have one picture....of a boat...with fruit in it...

Ha! The place was decorated all over. There was no breathing room between tables. Men dressed in those hideous Hawaiian flower shirts (yes, they have those here too, unfortuneately) lots of color and leis and a really cool theme all in all. It was super fun. I wore my graduation dress. And unfortuneately (count how many times I've said that in this post, do it) I had to SQUEEZE my newly formed fat self into it. I find it to be more of a success though...when I was a month or so in here, I couldnt even zip it! Now just my legs are my biggest issue. My jeans don't like to fit me anymore. Tragic. I hate how parties don't even begin until midnight here. No, I do not dislike it. It is just different, considering I love being in bed by 10 but that makes people here laugh. I got home around 5 AM. Slept til nine. Read until 12. Then...did nothing all day. Success.

I want to go to the pool. Dangit.

I really do. No, not to swim. And it's supposed to be scattered thunder storms all day and all week. But it is hot as hell. And I need to see people.

I realize right now that I have been i

Boys are stupid.

But that is unrelated.


Well....my birthday was amazing. Considering that for the past...my mother's idea of a party for me was inviting over her friends, to eat a dinner, with lots and lots of meat. It was originally a combined party for my sister and I....then one day it decided to change. We had the party annually...On Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It turned into a dinner. For no reason. That I was forced to stay at.

Two years ago, for my 16th birthday, my boyfriend at the time threw me an AMAZING party. I had a mix of both my friends and his. Decorations were pink and silver...the food was ALL vegan...It blew me away. I am still amazed he did that for me! So great. This year, I had a party, and went to dinner...all that jazz...and I celebrated til 5:30 AM. Way to be, way to be. But celebrating comes at costs. Damn it.

It began as a usual, nonproductive morning. I woke up too late to eat breakfast, so I sat around until lunch. My parents here bought me a shirt, it's very cute ( I know I had posted this already) and we had some good food. After that, I sat around some more. I called my mother at work so she could sing to me. HAH YES, SERIOUSLY. She got all blubbery after she sang "Happy Birthday" in her odd way, at work, working the front desk....with people watching. I went to my friend's house after that. I spent time with her, her brother and their cousin, all friends of mine. Mostly, we were around the house, then I got up, determined to go to the gym, and they made me sit and drink a (radioactive-piss looking) soda and eat a chocolate pastei (pronounced pastel) which is basically a hand held pie...that is fried. SO BAD I DO NOT EAT LIKE THAT (they are common here) but it was delicious. They tried to trick me into staying out until I had to go to dinner, but I anticipated eating a whoooole lot more that night, so to the gym I went.

I got birthday wishes from the crazy trainer, as well as others I know there. I like the gym here because it's small and I go at the same time every day so I see a lot of the same people. I rushed through my workout and did my usual in half the time...not good for me but needed for timing. I went back home, showered, and went to dinner with another friend of mine. Her grandmother, grandfather and sister ordered a pizza that we are. It was sectioned off...it had my name on it...and the crust was filled with chocolate. What more could I ever want? hahahaha.

After dinner my other friends and I got together for a small party. We had a DELICIOUS cake...pink party hats...some other stuff...it was great. I had so much fun and my only regret is taking a total of 30 pictures that night....

18 years. 18 effing years.

And at the same time I am both happy and extremely dissatisfied where my life is. 18 is so young, but at the same time, it is really not. Having lived my life thus far, I realize that I am different....but I am not unique. I have never met anyone exactly like me. I meet people with similar opinions and thoughts, attitudes or ambitions. But no, I have never met anyone JUST like me. Good. Because we would hate eachother.

I can say that, at this "landmark" age, I have done a lot to be proud of. For one, I live in Brazil as an exchange student. How many can say they did this? A small percentage. Everyone tells me this is once in a lifetime. It's really not. I never want to get married or have kids because they would hold me back from what I want to do. I want to travel more, and never consider myself isolated from one place or another...especially not here. I will study abroad in college, and hopefully more afterwards. I have no idea what I want to do specifically yet, but I know English is broad enough to cover any possibilities. I will do well in college. In Highschool. I was constantly distracted by life...it's what I do. I always think so much, to the point where people don't believe I have much of a brain function. I am not unintelligent...though my thoughts are often scattered.

I have also done a lot of work to help others, something I have always been overly ambitious about. No, I am not a big fan of people in general. I prefer to be isolated. But it is the right thing, to help someone less fortunate. The right thing in my brain is the only thing that matters. I hate when people just do work to make themselves feel better, or meet a requirement, or just to look better. It should be done without reward. The reward is knowing someone else is living better.

I know, at this "young age" what I believe, and I know who I am. I know what I believe and what I think. I often times am very vocal abut my opinions, but other times, I feel that what I believe is my own business, and it should not be known to the world (i.e religion, veganism...it goes on). My opinions do not change. I am a harsh critic. I am hardest on myself though. I am a hypocrite. I have impossible expectations, but I will meet every single one.

At a younger age, I never expected to make it this far. I don't want to go into any kind of detail, but I know now that life is good. Life is for living, no, that does not mean partying. I have not accomplished everything that I need to. I have lived a life I can say I am proud of, but not proud of things that I have done. I am never going to apologize for being me, and making mistakes, and I will never regret anything I have done. I am myself.

...


On a lighter note: Tonight should be good!

I did not sleep AT ALL last night...It was impossible...I kept trying and just gave up and went online some more. Sooo bad. I have been sleeping so well, but all of a sudden...no. I also realize how much I hate the look of painted on makeup now...


Back in the U.S. SOOOO many girls just pound it on...seriously. They end up with a sometimes beautiful, but fake, looking face. I always hid behind that too, I would NEVER go out without at least foundation, eyeliner and mascara on. Coming here, there are a ton more girls wearing just natural looking, if any, makeup, and they look beautiful. I stopped with the eyeliner and full face after coming here. Mascara and foundaion is usually all...with a little eyeliner. On special occasions, like dances and parties, girls will wear eyeliner and shadow and other things, and look just as beautiful. I feel like a full face is something you should do on occasion...weird...ahahaha

I got a new shirt from this family this morning! Very cool. We also had a lot more things without meat for lunch today! Tonight, I will eat pizza with a friend of mine and her family ( that are intregued with me...for some reason) and then hopefully with my other friends :D

It is going to be a good year.

I hate facebook

I am over it. If it were not necessary for me to keep in touch with people here, and the few I want to talk to back home, I would deactivate my account in an instant. I have said before how much displeasure I feel with it, especially now since everyone has one. I do not have facebook to talk to my family. I have no intentions of using as such, I had few family members added, like my sister and brother, two cousins and an uncle from across the country. When I post things on facebook, they are then open for all to comment on, but they are my thoughts, things in my head. I hate when people send me long messages on facebook, criticizing how I am. I am the way that I am. I do not change myself, nor do I live to please other people. I help people who need it, but I have no intention of changing my relations with anyone. I enjoy keeping myself at a distance from other people. I am not close to family, I have never been and I do not plan to be. So, stop. You are no better than me.

...


My mood definitely improved last night! I went to the gym, thats about all I did yesterday, then I came home, took a shower...and tried to get to my other house. The worker is staying there at night to take care of things, but she had not arrived yet. Then Wagninho came over and we walked and waited and stuff. I picked some things up from the other house. Family members of this house came over for fish and football I guess...I had no intention of staying for that....sorry.
We went out walking some more, saw a friend and then went to the potato restaurant. SOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOD! I ordered the same that I had last time (not like I had much of an option) but it was so much better this time. This time, there was no tray of french fries and chicken hearts in front of my face, so no crying, and an actual appetite. YES. In case you have no idea what I mean, in my city there is a restaurant, best known for their giant baked potatoes covered in stuff. I get one that is made with cabbage, carrots, tomatoes, corn, something else, raisins and it has a creme de leite sauce on top I think, aaaand it is heaven. I felt SO accomplished last night because I understood EVERY single word said to me (Wagner, he does not speak a WORD of english, I'm sorry, other than "BEAUTIFUL GIRL" ha) Since two of my other friends (that speak English) are out of town this week, the only good friend here I've seen is him. I understood everything and can honestly talk back sometimes, but I give up a lot like "I DONT WANT TO TALK ANYMORE" I always say that. I get frustrated.

I am dying for someone to skype me. My family comes back from the cruise Sunday night. I have three more days of waiting for someone to call me up....then no webcam for probably a few more months.

A little sleep deprived, but still alive.

No, it is not supposed to be rhyme-y. My creativity is just at an all time low.

Going to the gym everyday reminds me of a time when I was in MUCH better shape...and I love that I am getting back there. I used to run and enjoy it, I used to be "fit." No, I know I am not fat. Yes, I know my body HAS fat (more than it should right now...but hey....whatever) I'd like to take this time to thank my tummy. It has stayed relatively beautiful these past few years, thanks much to my eating. But now that I work out here, and I am not vegan, I get in better shape much quicker. The not so healthy eating of course makes for sugar crashes and bad cravings, but I have animal protein from the dairy and other foods (no, not meat, shut up, thanks) so muscles are building up quicker. When I am vegan, I stay healthy and in shape, but I have no muscles. It makes working out harder, but less necessary. But going to the gym and being active is healthy and definitely something I've missed. I was SO lazy the last year and a half of my life, it's gross. But I love my tummy...80% of the time. 20% of the time I eat too much and regret it, but my tummy always finds it's way back....hahah I love my metabolism <3 but hate my thighs...we can't have it ALL.


Why I just decided to post about my body... I do not know. I could overshare with you right now, but I choose not to. I just think people should be more positive about their image. Is my body perfect? Not by ANY means. It could be much improved, but for right now, it works. I plan that when I go back to New York, I focus evenn more on the fitness I have been lacking the past two years. I think about last summer and trying to get back into running...it was pathetic. I was SO lazy. When you are active, you feel good, about yourself and just in general. I just typed that after eating three mini chocolate bars ( I still hate candy here, it is awful) and I don't feel guilty...they are not NEARLY as unhealthy as things in the USA can be...

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I have been here now for two and a half months!! I feel like it has been much longer, and that is inboth good and bad ways. I do miss working, and school, and my best friends, and volunteering as well. Volunteering has ALWAYS been a huge part of my life. I grew up with little, but found no problem helping others in my situation and there are always people worse off that need things more. Here, I vowed never to let myself "get used" to seeing the poverty here. It is heartbreaking, even still. I hate that now it is less of a shock to me, but it nonetheless makes me want to help more....and branch out in doing so.

I remember talking to a friend of mine a while ago...he used to live in India, so he knows a lot about how the situations can be. The United States is a "1st World" country. Yes, there is poverty. There are people without jobs and without homes. Some can't eat every meal or afford luxuries. But there is no way you can ever complain about any of that after seeing this. I was never rich, I do not know what that feels like. But I have grown up and lived in a relatively well-to-do area for ever. Majority of residents upper-middle class. Most live in homes that here, would seem to be a mansion. Some complain there is nothing to do. They never look. I like to call Clifton Park "fat man's paradise" because if you like to eat...well....it is heaven. But honestly, there is so much to do within 20 minutes of the city.

I have such a dislike for people...back there. Too many deserve nothing, do nothing, and are handed....everything. Parents will buy their children cars, video games, clothes. No. I always saved up for what wanted. I don't remember the last time my parents bought me clothes, and I supply my vegan self with most of my food. I have to pay for a car, and college. I worked two jobs and volunteer, while graduating early. I also paid for this trip. No, I am not trying to look better...I just get frustrated at ignorance (PLUS I love being busy, all the time...hahah). I of course, in this time, forgot how to breathe and take a minute for myself. But after seeing poverty like this, hearing people being petty over facebook makes me ill.

Two days until my birthday. You know what I want? For you to go do something productive for another person. No, your job doesn't count. You get paid for it. Even if it is something small....donate money or your time, SOMETHING. And you will most likely be reading from me tomorrow :)


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ALSO....I am currently in the market for a new favorite color....pink just doesn't do it for me anymore. Any suggestions?? :P

What they don't want you to know about homesickness...

sort of.


Well, my entire life I have lived independently. I do not rely on other people and do not find myself close to many. I keep distance from blood relatives and have issues being social. For no reason other than my subconconcious obligation to myself to be alone forever. Not quite. But...well kind of.

But even the most callous, like myself, have emotions, despite all efforts to hide them.

Every exchange student has a different experience. No two will have it the same, regardless of where they go, or where they are from. We all get different families, come from different backgrounds, countries, states....the list goes on. I do not like the term "homesick" because to me, that is not the case. I do not miss my home, the people in it, or 99.86% of people back there. I miss, as I've said before, how I lived. I hate the feeling that my best friends live their lives daily and I have no idea what is going on. When I am sad, or bored or have a story, I can't just call up Bailey and say "I'm coming over, get Grace." I am not working. I am eating lots of cheese...hahaha....and as much as the feelings here have softened, and I have few harsh feelings towards life here now...you can never avoid the mood swings.

I have talked to other exhcangers too. All have been in their countries longer than myself. I know some who traveled in years past as well. And all agree that the bad feelinbgs are unpredictable. I agree completely. I was out having a perfectly good time with a friend the other night, and all of a sudden I got extremely depressed. For two days now I have been in a slump kind of mood. Not wanting to go out and see people. I went to the gym yesterday and had to buy some things. But the only person I really talked to was the trainer there. The gym is good stress relief, but when I came home...I ate awful things and rereated to my room for the rest of the evening, unable to sleep until very early today.

Sleep, you would think, would be a relief. But considering my dream and how extremely vivid it was...I find myself confused and frustrated more. Before I fell asleep I had completely convinced myself I was home. Looking around my room in the dark, it looked like mine back home...when I "woke up" I was in a world of Brazil and Clifton Park...and for once I remember it well. My dreams are always weird, and it may have something to do with the late night coffee here...but any night I could write a book from the strange things in my head. I am odd. Very, very odd.


Here, I get so frustrated sometimes. Frustration leads to hopelessness and wanting to just leave. I get frustrated when I understand, and people think I do not. I get mad when people talk at me full speed, and think I DO understand when I do not. I get mad when my families want to go out and I want to sleep. And I hate having to stay in bed all day. This is not, of course, all the time, but it just goes to show how completely unpredictable things can be here, at least for me.

In three days, I turn 18. I tried calling home yesterday, and I always remember how much I do not miss it there. My parents still piss me off, and I am on a different continent. I do not know what I want right now. From life or this experience. I actually have little reasoning for coming here. Do I regret it, no. But this decision was made just as all my others were. Randomly. Not thought out. I live life as it comes to me. That goes with it here as well.

:/

Boredom

Not really.


I felt like posting again today. It is my Birthday week....when do I get to party? hahaha, well I'm mostly kidding. I have never been big on birthdays. I don't understand the significance. Celebrating the day you were born, but there are other things more important than aging another year. I feel weird because in 6 days, I will be 18. The difference has no meaning to me here, but back in New York, I have a full lisence, and can go to jail....and play the lottery....which is stupid. I don't feel like listing the ability to buy tobacco products because that is just stupid and has no nor will ever have any, significance to me. In Brazil, 18 is the drinking age. Though, they joke, "when you're tall enough to reach the bar, you're old enough to order." I love the relaxed lifestyle here.

Not about drinking, but about life. My last year in New York...I was STRESSED. All the time. I was always busy with school or work. I lost touch with friends and did not take very good care of myself. Here, I have learned to relax again, and just go with what every day brings. Granted, life is COMPLETELY different in Brazil than it is in New York. Sometimes I forget where I am actually from.

I was reading through the blog of an ex-exchanger just now...that is what prompted this random post. She was in Brazil last year and seemed to have difficulty fathoming the idea of living without Brazil....or her home. I am the kind of person, no matter where I am, I feel out of place. Here, as completely out of place as I am...I am happy. I get frustrated to tears sometimes, but can always seem to laugh it off. I have no idea what going home will be like. I just know that in New York...I was miserable. I have no desire to go back to what I have always known. That's not like me. I like change, need excitement and always need a challenge.

More later.

A much needed (vague) update

It’s been a long time. And because of this, I seem to have a problem using my own keyboard. I’ve been using a desktop with a Brazilian keyboard for a few weeks now, and keep reaching for the right keys in the wrong places. It has been a good journey thus far. Minus the fact that I right now live in a home WITHOUT internet, and have otherwise no form of communication with people here or in New York…I am okay for now. I am no longer in a long distance relationship….which worked as a relief of me down here. People do not understand the difficulties it brings to an exchange until they live it. I have to live in the moment, here, and not try to wonder what life is like 5000 miles away. To be completely honest, I could care less what most of you are doing in New York. I do not live there. I barely know any of you now. We live separate lives with different experiences. I have no intention of bothering to find out what you do every weekend and who your best friends are now. It sounds harsh, but my connections to Clifton Park are now extremely limited to about four people. One is my mother. Hahahahahahahaha,

To anyone who has written to me in my time here so far. THANK YOU. I love letters and whatever you wish to send. I know it can be a pain to send and expensive but it is so great to get things from home. As much as I do not miss it….some things are missing here….ya know? I realize now that my English is worse than I could ever have imagined. Usually here, I either do not talk at all, or I attempt to speak Portuguese….I am SUPER shy about talking though. I have one friend I speak Portuguese to, because he does not give a damn if I mess up hahah, he usually understands! Mort than my English, at least…

My family speaks no English now, like I have said. It has helped a tremendous amount being in a family that actually wants to talk to me, and in Portuguese too…but yeah. I get super frustrated sometimes. Less than when I began here, but the other day I could not figure something out and had a tiny fit….teeny tiny, but I figured it out. It can be so frustrating sometimes, not knowing how to speak….but it just makes you want to try harder.

I’ve been going to the gym lately. Because diets are for quitters. And the chances of me limiting my food intake are slim to none. I love it, I just wish I was notin as poor of shape as I am. I do not know how I got so out of shape! I’m not even 18 yet! I used to run a lot and fitness was always important to me, since I never want to see fat steriod amy ever again…but I got SOOO lazy. Since I stopped being vegan, I think. But maintaining muscle mass is SO much easier when I am not vegan. Though I get sluggish and don’t have energy to do anything. Now thay Ive been going out more…laziness is decreasing.

SPEAKING OF WHICH. I RODE A HORSE. Two….actually. Not at the same time….two different horses….two different days….yeah. When I was younger I was in love with horses! Not the typical little girl horse thing, but I wanted to ride so badly. My father had a horse when he was young. A lot of my relatives did, or they rode. I always wanted a farm. But not to kill animals…to love them J I loved riding though. I remember being on horseback like one or two times in my life, a loooooong time ago. But it is a real fear I have, speaking to animals here. I wonder what they think when someone speaks to them ina foreign language….I didn’t want to freak out the horses…or dogs or other animals. Same thing with babies. This one I lawyas see…she jus stares at my eyes, because blue eyes don’t happen that often….and when I speak….she looks….confused.

This family I have now keeps me a lotttt more busy than my other had. But right now, they are leaving for a cruise…and I am in a temporary family. Without internet…yeah seriously. They are nice thoguh. My birthday is in like a week. 18. Where the heck did that come from? I feel old. And unaccomplished. Though I am neither old, nor unaccomplished. I just have impossible standards and am curious as to how my last 5 years od life flew by (since I was 13 time flew, I guess).

It is a beauuuutiful day out today! Sunny and warm, not too hot...but for some reason I feel like staying in for now. I took a looong shower today...and laughed because I always wonder how it is I take better showers in a third world country than in New York...who knows. I miss Bailey and Grace and Bridget right now. I always want to update them, but then by the time I get to talk to them, I forget half my story. Grrr. I can't wait to see them again! Everyone else..eh, you're alright.

I am getting so, SO bored with facebook. I wonder how much longer I'll keep it. I remember when Myspace (oldie, I know, right?) was ALL the rage then it just kind of died...(if any of you still have a Myspace, I apologize...but it's time came a long time ago...) I liked before that less people had facebook. Now, everyone and their mom (literally) has one, and it's far too easy to stalk someones every move. I keep it now to keep people who wonder about it here updated, also to keep in touch with some people here, as I have no phone...hmph.

I hope to be getting out some more....please brasil dont let this weekend suck! ;) andddd i am going to work on uploading my iguacu pictures right now. check back for more later!

To Iguaçu...and beyond?

I went to Iguaçu falls. It was purdy. I have lots of pictures, but won't upload them until I get back on my computer. I'd never been so such a large waterfall before. Here they are called cataratas. I was supposed to go to Iguaçu in October, I think, with the other exchange students in my district here...but I had not gotten here yet. I missed out on that, but at least I got to see it, ya know? Google search: Foz de Iguaçu. It is quite impressive.

I'll write more later, it is a lazy day.

Now THAT is a horse of a different color

HAAAAAH. You don't find that as amusing as I do, I'm sure. I was in the shower just now and all I could think about was the Wizard of Oz. "Why?" you ask, well....let me tell you.... hahahhaah okay. I'm done now.

In all seriousness...I should probably be more scared than impressed at my body's ability to turn this shade of brown....considering my natural lack of any pigmentation WHAT so ever. I'm like the horse in Oz! I was white...then red (as hell)..and now I am a nice burnt siena....not quite so dark...but it is impressive. Oh, I also used to be orange! oh yes. Like I said, I should be more worried than I am, but for now, let me enjoy this.

The downside though, is that I have a long lasting Amy-colored bikini on whenever I take my clothes off. Next time I go to the pool....I'm wearing a different one...just because. Also, the fact that I have somehow magically turned reptillian, and my skin has decided to shed itself. Well...how gross can it get. I love gross things though. I'm gross. Forget you :)

This morning I got a manicure. Pink :) It's like a pretty bubblegum colour... with designs (white and blue flowers and stuff) on the pinky, thumb and favorite finger of each hand. A lot of people do business out of their homes, and this lady did manicures and pedicures from her place...if I hadn't been here this long it would have sketched me out to be in the lesser part of the city in a strangers house and hwta not. But things here are just different. It felt like nothing out of the ordinary really. Oh. And the best part...it cost 7 Reais. Which is like... $4.20 USD. At home I used to get manicures once and a while when I wanted something special...because they are expensive. Not here. And I found it funny that I got a better manicure from this one woman than I did from a high end salon my first week here. :)

I love so much about it here. Not necessarily the city, but Palmas is perfect for me right now. The country and the culture and the people...the life all around. I do not want to go back home hahah. Two months in and I kind of have fallen in love. If I weren't on exchange it would be sooo amazing too, in different ways. But being here on exchange made things a lot easier. Life is funny as an exchange student. One of my rules here is like...no SERIOUS relationships...they didn't say anything about marriage though. So beware, I may come home with dual citizenship...


hahahahah I wiiiiish.


And last night we made fondue and french fries. And we watched Hot Tub Time Machine...which has some other name here. And yes, it is just as bad in Portuguese.

Happy New Year!

Just a little bit late...


It was really funny to think that the moment we popped open our bottles here on the last day of 2010...it was of no significance to anyone back home. At the stroke of midnight, off went fireworks and corks and cheers and cameras just outside the club...and in New York, it was but 9 pm. I found that more entertaining than you, I am sure.

On New Years Eve, I got dresses up, made up, shoes on, and went to church. Hahahha, my parents now go to church, and I really liked it actually. It was cool to see how things are different and how they are the same. A lot of it was familiar, actually, being that it was a Catholic church. I spent a good portion of my life going weekly to services at all different kinds of churches. I also could follow along with a lot of it, from the hand out, and got to practice my reading ;)The Peace was very long! Not very, but compared to most I have seen. People spent a few minutes greeting everyone around them, very sweet. I think the entire thing lasted maybe an hour.

After church we picked up my host sister, then went to the club. The club that hosts the Formaturas and has the gym and pools...they have a New Year party too! It started around 11 with dinner, which was very good :) and we just sat with our families, eating and talking. Then, with ten minutes left, the entire bulding went to the back and waited...all with bottles of champagne. We counted down at ten seconds (IN PORTUGUESE, GO ME!) and bam. Fireworks (SO unsafe) and happiness

We then went back inside, and a band started to sing and people danced. This was a lot like the Formaturas, except it was more of a family event than just for the younger ones. Later on more people started to come, more that I knew...and it was a big party. I had fun :) I got home around 4:30. I can tell 2011 is going to be a very good year :)