Surprise!

Well, I'm back "home" now. It feels so strange. I feel sick. I feel like doing nothing. It was a long trip, but not horrible. It feels like bad dream. I left on June 24th, the night of my high school graduation. I missed that, but I came back for Bailey's party last night. I arrived the same day as the party and it was all kept a surprise. She screamed so loud, and cried. It was so great to see her again. And Grace, Bridget, other friends. It was cool to see everyone again, and I was greeted pretty warmly by people I have not spoken to in such a long time. I did not feel like being at the party. It was a long trip, and the worst day of my life. I left everything I fell in love with back in Brasil. Everything. Including my life. I loved every single day. Even the bad ones.


I went to the airport in Curitiba with my Rotary President, his wife, daughter, and my boyfriend. It was harder than leaving here in the first place. I cried so much. I got sick on my first plane, and just....ignored that it as happening. It has yet to hit me as a reality. I am so far away, I am back where I always was, and I am bored, feeling awkward, and sick.


My best friend and the love of my life passed away. My dog. Beethoven. I loved him more than anything in this world. I always will. He was my first dog I ever had, the first thing I ever loved. I trained him and fed him, bathed him and took care of him. He was my baby. The cutest dog you will ever see. He passed away months ago, but no one told me. I came home to a quiet house, which never happened. I don't know why he was taken from me. I remember my entire exchange, everyone asked me "Aren't you homesick?" I said no. "You don't miss your family?!" No....just my dog.


And he is not here. I feel like if I was here, he still would be. I feel like it's my fault. I miss him entirely. I had dreams about him all the time, I always imagined seeing him around my city in Brasil, after he passed away, but I thought I was crazy. He was with me, and will always be in my heart. I never knew something could hurt so much. He was ripped from me. I would do anything, give ANYTHING, to have him back. I never even said goodbye. When I went to Brasil, I rubbed his tummy, gave him a treat and said "I'll see you soon" only then did I cry. Leaving him.

He was hit by a car. My parents found him in the street, and he was still alive...But he had internal bleeding and broke his hip I believe. she said his eyes were the same, but they just closed. Forever. This was on Christmas eve. He is in my yard now,
buried between the fruit trees.

I have never cried for a person dying. It is nature. But losing my dog, it has hurt me more than anything ever has. It hurts more than missing Brasil. I can go back to Brasil, but I can't have my baby back. I have never cried so much in my life.

Beethoven, I love you forever.


I do have another dog now. But he has not been replaced. Not even close. My mom adopted a Yorkie a few days ago. There was one at a local shelter, and he was going to be put down because no one could take him in. He has a problem in one eye, and his hips or legs. Sometimes they don't work right. He is very old (11 years) but very sweet. He is not a replacement.