Mixed feelings.

I am more than one half of my way through my exchange. I don't want to be. I am happier here than I can ever remember being. Seriously. I get frustrated sometimes, and sometimes I am bored to tears...But I am happy. I don't particularly love staying with families and what not....but it was great. Last night I talked to my previous host mother, and we were having an actual conversation. In portuguese. My language fades in and out, and sometimes I get pissed because I try to talk and people are like OH YOU SUCK oh, well, THEN LEARN ENGLISH. But I was speaking with her and another woman at the meeting last night, and I was surprised afterwards how well my words flowed together.

I don't want to leave here to go back home and be the same thing. Unhappy. I was never happy in New York. Waking up every morning was a struggle and getting out of bed to work and just go into the same routine of nothing. Now, I will go back to go to school, to a college I am not particularly interested, for a major I do not know what to do with, and a future I know nothing about. I have plans, but how much can that actually help?


I do not want to go back, not to New York, not to where I have lived my entire life. Same people, same place, same feelings.

Right now it is a mix of irritation and sad and anger and everything. I am enjoying the rest of my time here...but I have to think about going home all the time....college planning and what not.


I dislike New York.