January flew by.

Now that I think about it.


Things have been pretty slow lately. Since the Baile, I've spent days being a bit lazy. Visiting with friends and just keeping occupied. What is terrible though, is that school starts next week.

Don't get me wrong. I love school. I do. But here, it will be hard.
Everyone I used to talk to has either graduated, and moved on, or are moving to Curitiba. I am NOT exaggerating when I say this either...EVERYONE is going to Curitia. I have friends that have lived their already and will return for school, I know others who are moving there for school...be it college or finishing high school. It's tough. I do still have some good friends here....I hope. But none that I really talk with much. School here is a short day, but it will be a miserable, quiet one at that...

I realize that is my biggest frustration. NOT understanding. In New York, I would either accept that I understand or I do not. Things either came to me or they did not. Trying did little...take math, for example. I detest mathematics with EVERY fiber of my being. I can not do it, it does not register in my head, and I accept that it never well. History, on the other hand, I love. Facts about how things came to be and what not...I love it. It takes nothing more than reading to learn it. I remember it well, too. Portuguese...well....it's like walking up a gigantic hill of ice...with lava at the bottom (oh yeah, I know what that's like). I thought I wou ld elaborate on this, but I lost my train of thought. Think about it though. Every time I think I have it down....I slip. I can read and when I listen attentively, I understand. When I am tired or upset....I just block it out unintentionally, and understand NOTHING. That frustrates me. And once I lose my place in a conversation, I have no hope of catching back up. Some days are better than others... and well...sometimes it is just bad. It sucks, because I KNOW I can do it, and I can learn it. I just hate speaking. Every fucking word I say goes mocked. Excuse that language. But it is discouraging, really.

Yesterday was one of those days where I just could not feel better. One of the days I wanted to just count time until I left. I have a feeling once school starts...I'll go back to my calandar-making.

Don't get me wrong. Some things here I love. Some things about the culture and life here in general, but others I hate. I can not stand some parts of it. The same goes with New York. I miss my friends, and my diet...and feeling at ease with living in one place, anxiety-free. But so much there...I never want to return to. I wish I could take the good things from both and just, put them together. I can't imagine living a completely "American" life after this. But I will have to eventually leave it behind here. It is hard to think about...but things change.