What they don't want you to know about homesickness...

sort of.


Well, my entire life I have lived independently. I do not rely on other people and do not find myself close to many. I keep distance from blood relatives and have issues being social. For no reason other than my subconconcious obligation to myself to be alone forever. Not quite. But...well kind of.

But even the most callous, like myself, have emotions, despite all efforts to hide them.

Every exchange student has a different experience. No two will have it the same, regardless of where they go, or where they are from. We all get different families, come from different backgrounds, countries, states....the list goes on. I do not like the term "homesick" because to me, that is not the case. I do not miss my home, the people in it, or 99.86% of people back there. I miss, as I've said before, how I lived. I hate the feeling that my best friends live their lives daily and I have no idea what is going on. When I am sad, or bored or have a story, I can't just call up Bailey and say "I'm coming over, get Grace." I am not working. I am eating lots of cheese...hahaha....and as much as the feelings here have softened, and I have few harsh feelings towards life here now...you can never avoid the mood swings.

I have talked to other exhcangers too. All have been in their countries longer than myself. I know some who traveled in years past as well. And all agree that the bad feelinbgs are unpredictable. I agree completely. I was out having a perfectly good time with a friend the other night, and all of a sudden I got extremely depressed. For two days now I have been in a slump kind of mood. Not wanting to go out and see people. I went to the gym yesterday and had to buy some things. But the only person I really talked to was the trainer there. The gym is good stress relief, but when I came home...I ate awful things and rereated to my room for the rest of the evening, unable to sleep until very early today.

Sleep, you would think, would be a relief. But considering my dream and how extremely vivid it was...I find myself confused and frustrated more. Before I fell asleep I had completely convinced myself I was home. Looking around my room in the dark, it looked like mine back home...when I "woke up" I was in a world of Brazil and Clifton Park...and for once I remember it well. My dreams are always weird, and it may have something to do with the late night coffee here...but any night I could write a book from the strange things in my head. I am odd. Very, very odd.


Here, I get so frustrated sometimes. Frustration leads to hopelessness and wanting to just leave. I get frustrated when I understand, and people think I do not. I get mad when people talk at me full speed, and think I DO understand when I do not. I get mad when my families want to go out and I want to sleep. And I hate having to stay in bed all day. This is not, of course, all the time, but it just goes to show how completely unpredictable things can be here, at least for me.

In three days, I turn 18. I tried calling home yesterday, and I always remember how much I do not miss it there. My parents still piss me off, and I am on a different continent. I do not know what I want right now. From life or this experience. I actually have little reasoning for coming here. Do I regret it, no. But this decision was made just as all my others were. Randomly. Not thought out. I live life as it comes to me. That goes with it here as well.