It has been good :)

This past year has been one of the hardest of my life. The best though, by far. I lost a lot of friends, but at the same time, gained others i could not imagine life without. I made mistakes, I took risks, I found success, and where I belong. I find that now, at 17, I have achieved a lot more than some can ever say....and I am JUST getting started. My life here, in Brasil, is amazing. My memories here, irreplacible. Right now, I have the worst sun burn of my life, all over my body....but regardless of the pain, I am happy.

2011, I know you will be better, but you have some huge shoes to fill.

Moving along...

I move today! I am sad about it though.

This family I have not been with for very long. I had issues getting to know them at first, because my ridiculous culture shock made living impossible. I would not speak or eat or even try. They saw me at my worst. The first family, I think, may have it the hardest. They are very busy people too. They own the store, so both of my parents work there all day, come home for lunch, and usually go back. I was home with the girls, when they did stay home, most of the time...and we did not talk much either. But I loved it here. I don't think they know that. I am actually pretty shy here, which was unlike me back home. When I do not know someone, I get very quiet (my friends notice his hahah). It takes me a while to warm up, but I grew used to things in this home, and just as I am...I leave :(

My family has to go to Curitiba for some things this month and next to it makes sense...it is sad...but I move 3 or 4 blocks away. I have a sister my age. And I move into a house! I feel like being in a house is easier for me, but I'm used to living in a building already! Everyone is within a short distance though, so I worry little. My next mother though, she speaks SO fast. And they understand NO English, at all. I've talked to her a lot, but I get VERY frustrated. She talks too fast. Ugh. They also seem more social than this family. I am less than so.

Last night I went bowling with a few friends. I still suck.

An update...



I just had the LONELIEST meal of my life. I swear. My father and sisters and dog are in Curitiba I think. My mother at the store...

I've been home packing all morning, and the helper called me to lunch. I sat at the island counter by myself eating my beans and rice and pasta. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to cry. In honesty. Back in New York, I do not eat with people. I feel weird eating in front of other people, and I rarely eat square meals anyway...I just snack all the time.
Naturally, when I came here, eating family lunch and late night dinners was odd to me. This was my first meal alone in so long. I don't like that feeling.

So much for writing every day...

Well. I've been distracted...or lazy, I'm not sure which.

I sit at home a lot, but don't get me wrong, I've been going out too!

On Christmas Eve I went to a family dinner, that was pretty fun. Even Santa came :D hahaha at 1:30 I left with my "cousin" and her husband and we went to a night club. That was really fun. We were on the top level and I saw a lot of people I knew, actually. There was a show, a singer, Brazilian music. I love Brazilian music! I understand some, I only know a few songs, but they are so upbeat and just feel good sounds I guess. I got home around fourish? We did not stay very long.

On Christmas I got up early to skype my family back home. I got passed around to talk to everyone. I got a picture of Christmas back home. Then we went to lunch at another relatives house. This holiday season felt like nothing special to me. I hate to complain but it felt NOTHING like Christmas at all. Maybe it was the lack of snow, and cookies and Christmas music...who knows. Some friends of mine DID make gingerbread men! That made me SOSOSOO happy. Not the best in the world, but all I really wanted!

Yesterday I got TWO packages in the mail! One from my mother and the other from my sister. Just basic things really. My mother sent me candy and medication, haha among other things. And a skirt. No letter :( My sister sent a card and some other things I needed. It was nice to get mail. I wish more people wrote to me :( Anyway, all of my candy is now gone.

I keep telling myself to go to the gym, but I need to buy running shoes....which I am dreading hahahah. At home, it's SO much easier to stay in shape and what not. With all different foods and stuff here my body is like oh no. I'm getting squishy. Hahahahahahahahaha. I like to laugh.

I learn more Portuguese EVERY day. By just listening I've taught myself I guess. I can talk a lot more, but it's still a struggle, but I can do it!! When I sit in on a conversation though, I understand like 80% of it :) That is PRETTY good for coming here knowing nothing. Knowing another language is a cool thing. I want to learn French next! Or Italian. I can also speak Ubbi Dubbi. (And for those of you with no knowledge....Ubbi Dubbi is a gibberish language. I learned it from watching ZOOM when I was little hahaha).


On Christmas we went up to the "casa a lagado" again. The lake house. I love it there, it's peaceful and nice. I went swimming and got a tan the day after Christmas...not many people can say that back home :) And I also found out that I leave this host family tomorrow I believe :( It's super hard because I feel like I'm just getting used to it, and now I am already switching. And the week of my birthday I am with a temporary family again. it's a weird feeling.


I have been doing a lot better here lately, but right now, I want to leave SO badly.

BRASIL

I love you forever and ever...


FELIZ NATAL!!

If you're not ready for a HUGE load, don't read this :D

I completely lost track of time and did not finish that last post. I went out to lunch Saturday with my family (same pizza place as always, there is a lunch buffet thing...) and came home to fall asleep...then we went to my host father's families farm for the rest of the weekend.

I felt SO good being out of the city. To me, a farm is more like home than a city, however small it may be. No, I have never lived on one. My uncle does though, and I live in well, the farm-y parts of Clifton Park anyway. I'm used to grass and animals, not pavement and dying dogs/malnourished horses....those are not animals I like to see. I noticed even more this past weekend how huge the gap in classes is here.

It was nice to see a family farm. They have their employees living on site, in houses and they work the land I guess. I knew it was going to be a good day because the first thing I saw when I got out of the car was a bunch of little piglets :D Though at the barbecue the next day they ate their father I think...Pretty gross...though they held off from the traditional pig roast with the apple in the mouth, that baby Jesus.

I did a lot of eating and sleeping, a little talking....and well I ate my weight in Brigadero....it's a Brazilian candy that is impossible NOT to come by. It's at every special event I guess. Tons of it. And other candies there too. I ate my weight in all of it. It was good, but I need to go to the gym...

I skyped with Beethoven!

Finally!


He looked so sad and sickly, and kind of like an uwashed mop...dear lord, someone please teach my mother about personal hygeine...for dogs :) Well...It's kind of understandable. I was he one who always gave him baths and took care of him when everyone else was busy :( Poor baby. I called his name and he looked around the room. How sad :( I miss him, sooo so much. My dog here, nooooot so cute.

I also realized that I have no Christmas tree.

I also got accepted into Siena. I would absolutely consider it, I guess...But I'm on the rocks. If I stay in New York for college, I would prefer a SUNY probably. I really like Cortland. Anyway....Pretty cool. A little too close to home for me though. And it seems kind of conformist, and it is a Catholic college....and a Catholic I am not. And, I enjoy ridiculous individuality. hahahahha I really can not judge the school being that I have not step foot on campus since...well eight years ago.

College acceptances are fun though :D

Not when they tell me I need to take math first though. BOOOO.


I've been completely bored these past few days here. I have had nothing to do....at all. It is absolutely driving me as insane and I had expected. I sit here all day, even oon beautiful days, because everyone is out of away or busy. New York is in school. And I sit in bed....unable to sleep, might I add.


this i will finish later.

So, that deserves an explanation.

If I said that I had come here and not believed I would fall in love with it, well, that would be a lie. My friends here, they do not understand why I love it SO much, but it is so different here, and so....perfect for me. As little like real, big city Brasil Palmas is...I know for a fact that Brasil is where my heart is.

I have so little left back home, like I said. And I know my trip has to be cut very short in order for me to return for college. I do not feel that studying abroad is an opportunity I will never have again. In fact, in college, I plan to do another year somewhere, perhaps Australia....that is on my list of places. I will never feel trapped at home ever again. I know now that ANYTHING is completely possible...I just have to find another job....hahahaha

My Portuguese improves every single day, and for someone who knew NOTHING coming here, I feel pretty accomplished...though I do not try. People here are wonderful. The bipolar weather does not bother me. School....well it's out for summer, but it is not bad at all. I can not even begin to imagine leaving here now. It has been a RIDICULOUS turn around recently. Once I let myself go and just accept the fact that I love it here...well...it all became so real. Graduating early was not a mistake. Where ever life takes me now, I'm ready. I want to do something with English, and a minor in like anthropology or something, and ALWAYS continure learning new languages, and working on my Portuguese. I wanted to teach English, maybe abroad or something.


ANYWHO. I'll finish this post later...

Okay, so I know that I always contradict myself. Always. Multiple times a day. So many times, in fact, that it even irritates me. But that is who I am. Undecided.
I sat in bed A LOT today, much like I had earlier in my stay. Of course, that is not the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it gave me time to think. Thinking. Like, why the hell did I apply to so many schools in New York? And. Why is college so expensive? I have no idea. I applied to college so quickly and randomly, that my choices make little sense to me. I want to be an English major with a minor in Anthropology. Maybe. Knowing myself, I will change my mind 100 times, most likely end up transferring schools, and then change it back. My many goals in life need to be at a community college before I go into massive debt prior to age 25. OKAY. That has so little to do with Brasil or my stay here. Well, I was thinking about what I want to do in college, and like I said earlier, I want to definitely study abroad. I wish I applied to school in California. Or Colorado.


BUAGHBUAGHBHUAGH.....okay. So I've been reallyyyyy antsy today. Too much stored energy, not enough to do on a nasty nasty day like today. Yesterday, I ate way too much. Wooo. I went to he gym too. Well...I stepped foot into it. To see what it looked like. No, I did not so anything in it. But I walked around the city a lot.

I'm almost completely used to the food here now. I bought a ton of candy yesterday on my way home from a friends house. Ate it all before I got home. I live one block from the store.

My confusion in life has always been like this. I have ridiculous expectations for myself, and I will never be good enough. I want to do so much, and it really makes me angry that I am almost 18 and have done SO little with my life. I need to do more, and what exactly that entails I will not know until I spend more time making mistakes and pondering life. I need to travel more, work more, try harder and do things that are actually making a difference. I always told myself I wanted to join the Peace Corps after college. That would be awesome, but it's SO far away. I need to be doing things now. Well, after I get home from Brasil, that is.

If never coming home was an option,

I would choose it without a second thought.


Will I elaborate on this? Perhaps. When I give a shit.

I bet you are confused.

I know I am. Well, not really.


My last post was goofy. It was posted at around 3 something in the morning, late late Friday night....or early Saturday, whichever you prefer. I went to another Formatura that night, which I believe I posted about before. It's a party for the graduating classes. They don't do a typical American "prom" here, obviously. But this is their prom. The night begins with a ceremony for the class, the whole teachers talking and students talking, and there's a video and stuff too. But unlike ANY event I had ever been to in New York, no second of the ceremony is boring. It's all fun and actually pretty quick. Dinner follows shortly after that. Then after some time talking and relaxing, the party begins :D hahahahaha my favorite.
This past graduation, I didn't go to the ceremony and dinner because well, I have no family ties in that class. The party after is for friends and even some people who graduated. All you need is a ticket, which I got SUPER last minute (thank you Layne) and we went.

The friends I've made here are just great people. Half of them can not understand a word I say, but somehow it works. I know four people that speak English, three are in my class, and naturally, I spend a great deal of my time with them hahah. I am learning Portuguese a little bit more every day, even when I don't try. I think that's pretty awesome. I find it so funny that in my first week or so here, no one would speak English to me, not even the ones who could, because they were so shy about it. They speak better English than some people back home, I swear.

Friday night was amazing and I had so much fun just dancing and getting to know more people. Everyone tries SO hard to speak English to me, and most of the time, it's better off if it's left in Portuguese. I love it though.

Nights like that make my life here so amazing. But days when I sit in my house, doing nothing, it's not so great. Now, it's not that I don't want to do anything...it's just that I have no idea what to do. My host mother was so excited when I came home from the party. She wanted me home by three, which seems reasonable, but the party was still going hard at that time. She was all smiles when I walked in the door though, saying "you need to go out more, and talk in Portuguese..." haahah sounds good.

I slept that entire next day away. I tried to, but couldn't actually. I sat in bed a lot. But FINALLY I'm sleeping again. Last night and the night before I got actual sleep. I slept in until 11. That is an accomplishment. Don't laugh at me for being excited. I love sleep. I missed sleep. I have the weirdest effing dreams though, really.

My mother bribed me with Disney. She said if I stay the entire time, she will bring me. And to Universal. I can't believe it. When I was a kid, I never went ANYWHERE....EVER. In big families, it's difficult to do that sometimes. The child that never got to be inside of me is super excited and yes, my first time at Disney would be at 18 years old. But who cares. I get to meet Cinderella, so forget you :D
To be honest, going there means little. It's the fact that my mother actually offered a vacation, something that has never happened before...shocking.

Anyway, the time here is starting to tick at an almost normal pace. Minutes don't quite drag on for hours and such. I still shock myself sometimes when I kind of just think, and realize that I'm in Brazil. I forget a lot, actually. It doesn't register to me that my home is thousands of miles north west of here. I forget that I can't say very much to people here. I'm getting used to not talking very much, but I do still talk, of course. I don't know how to explain it. I've been here a little over a month now, and I feel like a completely different person. I'll elaborate on that another time. Until then, thanks for reading! :D

I love you, Brazil,

End of story.

Welcome to summer...

That is SO wrong. For me, at least.

Yesterday was my final day of school. It was barely a day at that, though. The day before, I had been SHOCKED when I got out of school after two hours, and we all went home. I had little to do, nothing, actually, so I ate my way through a box of sub par Brazilian candy I bought. It's so different, the candy here. I am addicted to candy. It's very bad. At home, I cant remember a day of my vegetarian life without it. When I'm vegan, it's a lot less problematic. My food choices are limited and I eat so well rounded and healthily during that time that candy just is not on my brain. I feel like when I start to eat poorly, even a little bit, it gets increasingly worse over time. AH, but anyway. In my quest to find a delicious candy here, I bought a variety pack of Lacta candies, a chocolate brand. It had at least one of each of their most popular bars and things in it, eh, it was alright. Pretty much all of the chocolate here has a funky cream filling, not cream, but....something. They definitely get better after a while, but it is SO different from any candy I've had. I even joked that I had a twix bar here, and even that tasted different.

I can't say that I'm shocked. You don't run away to another continent and expect to have all the comforts of living at home. No. Not at all.


After demolishing that box of candy, I felt disgusting, and devoted the rest of my afternoon (morning, actually) to an attempt of sleep and finding Christmas presents for the impossible to shop for. Both failed, by the way.

On my last day of school, the high school grades really did not come. The class below me and above me had empty rooms. I, being in the middle, came in to school ten minutes late to an almost full classroom, all taking a book of a test. For the second morning in a row, I could not find the key to unlock the front door, and had to wait on my little sister to open it. Oh, sweet time she took. After less than 45 minutes of "school" where I sat, wrote in my journal, and stared longingly at that paperweight made of tree on the desk in front of me...we had been dismissed. Dismissed. Before 830. In the morning.

All of New York was still sleeping, and I am already heading home. Almost. A few of us went to the Cafe after school for a late breakfast kind of thing. I did not eat. I've been feeling under the weather. I'm sure that box of candy might not have made me feel better. But I've been feeling for the past few weeks as though death is slowly approaching. It's not (let's hope), but I'm not doing too well.

Brian was home sick from school yesterday so I had a little company after he woke up :) For the rest of the day I was doing little, once again, other than sitting in bed. It was a beautiful day outside, but I had no energy to get up and out, none at all. I stayed home from a dinner party last night too, one for he employees of my host parents here (they own a store) and I'm glad I did because I was falling asleep before the dinner even started.


Anyway, here now starts my SECOND summer vacation, or rather, extends my already prolonged vacation I can't wish to end faster. I go crazy because I do so little, and when I can do things, I never feel up to it. I have a lot of thinking to do in the next few weeks, but I think my mind has been made up. Brazil, you are beautiful, I love you, but we have a rocky relationship.



OH, and just to let the world know (I might have posted this but I completely forget, and never re-read my blogs on here) I introduced my class here to "Baby Got Back" after too many times where I accidentally sang a BIT too loud...They like it, and it's so new to them so it's super funny. Hope you are all enjoying the cold weather. I was sweating in tshirt and shorts yesterday. Anyone care to switch?

Sweet death I feel you approaching....

and my melodrama followed me here, as you can see. But I do feel completely ill.

I skipped school today and I got to go to Argentina for a while. I had to be driven to another state, Santa Catarina, to go to the federal police, and immigration offices, so my visa could be completed. The drive was not very long, but waking up with barely any sleep STILL this past week or so...so I could be driven for hours with two obnoxiously laughing old men. No. Not to mention in the car, closed windows, air conditioning. Migraine. Baaaaaad.

We drove to the station, which conveniently, was located at the border between Brazil and Argentina. We drove over to Argentina and my host father and the other guy shopped for a while. I have 2 pesos! woooo! (roughly one Brazilian real)

Eating is hard again. I don't know why it keeps happening, but I feel sick whenever I eat and I'm always tired but can never sleep. I can't seem to function here at all. It sucks.

But it was a good day, I got to a different country. That makes a total of three, my first being America. I think it's so sad that I live in Upstate NY and have never even been to Canada....ahhhh.

Beautiful day, not so beautiful

It is a bit chilly today, but the sun is up and the sky is blue. No complaints there. I don't feel like I'm missing too much right now, I heard it hasn't even snowed a significant amount in New York yet anyway. January snowflakes are always better, so I won't think about the snow yet. My family here is sick, they all have a cold or something, and I'm paranoid. I do not let myself get sick, but here I don't talk any vitamins so I'm being super cautious. I'm putting myself in my room for as long as possible, because no one comes in here...thank goodness.

I really like to be alone. It's sad. School is sometimes fun and I enjoy it (my professors have all been giving me tests, and it's fun for me....kind of) it gives me something to do I guess. In school back home, I basically failed chemistry. I took a test today in Quimica (Chem) and got three questions right, and one I had the right answer but changed it...so I give myself a 4/13 :D

I took two tests today total, and did a lot of nothing. I've been having the most ridiculous mood swings here, and there is no explanation for it. At school I have very little time when I'm sad, just tired. When I get home, I just retreat to my toom where I sit until I'm needed. I'm not sure at all how summer is going to work, if I sit in here all day I'll go mad. I have not been sleeping at all. I've tried, and even when I feel tired, my mind wont rest. I have two little sisters here too, which is not a help. Very loud, hyper ones. I find myself lacking energy to even try a conversation with them, I'm not good with kids...not at all.

I'm thinking heavily about wanting to leave. I have made friends here, and I have very little to go back to New York for. When I am at school, I don't want to leave at all, but once it's over...I never know what to do with myself. If I leave, my family will not be happy about it. Neither will Rotary. And I think all exchange students have their doubts, but I don't think it's supposed to be a pitch black cloud that follows you everywhere. School ends soon, and I'm going to give summer here a go...for as long as I can.

I have to try to get some sleep, tonight I have a Rotary meeting, and last week we got home after midnight. So awful. I have these permanent dark circles under my eyes and there is nothing I want more in this world right now than to curl up in my own big, pink bed.

There really is no one else like me.

I am weird. I always say that everyone is, I just show it a litttttle bit more. But truly, who else, what SANE 17 year old, one who has wanted to leave home forever, who graduated a year early, would want to return to the exact place they fled from, just to be productive? I have four days of school left. Four. Then it's summer vacation. That means I've been in school here for a month. Since June, I have been in school for one month, learned nothing and slept half the time. Woo.

It's driving me crazy.

I never wanted to consider community college when I was back home, where my options were then endless. Here though, after eventually getting quite used to the fact, I would not mind a semester of classes there. School is school, and here, there is none. My portuguese is ever so slow, and I'm frustrated again to the point of almost no return. My parents here and other people are trying to speak Portuguese at me like I'm fluent, and I actually yelled at someone today, they did not understand at all, but I said "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, WHY DON'T YOU GET THAT?!" Temper temper. It was in such a condescending way too, that if someone said that to me, I'd smack them in the face. Okay, no. But I'd be pissed.
My desire to learn here is lacking. With my only concern being college right now, it's kind of sticky. This exchange is on my application, and it says I'm here for the full ride. I wish I had changed that. Colleges definitely like students who had studied abroad, it gives me a leg up maybe, where my unacceptable grades from the past year being me down. I'm already in one school, down in Kentucky. I love it there, so awesome, but a school in New York is probably more realistic. Don't get me wrong, I want to go there, but I have to wait and see for now.

I spent the weekend at a friends house, I'm extremely irritable. We spent most of the time online, which I didn't mind. Any communication I have back home makes me feel better. But her parents both smoke, in the house, and I have a VERY low tolerance for smoking. It really bugs me. It makes me not breathe. Andddddd, my anger rushes. It's bad. But spending the weekend playing "snake" just reminded me how much nothing I get done here. I hate to be so negative, but well, that is who I am.

Though the more time I spend away from Clifton Park and Shen, the more I realize how much I don't miss it. Last year, I rushed through everything, extremely busy all of the time. I lost a lot of friends mainly from lack of communication and stress.I've definitely witnessed how easy it is to lose touch with people, even those you considered part of your life forever. In less than a year everyone I grew up with will be heading in separate directions. Colleges all over, many, I know, may stay local or go to SUNY schools or something, colleges are huge and the chances of me running into them is very slim. I don't really feel like risking that though. Part of my does not want to go home, back to New York, to the same people and the same things. Drifting happens, and I don't deny that many friends I had before, they aren't there anymore.

It's raining out like nothing I have ever seen

and it has been for more than two days. In my mind, thats some kind of good luck sign. In my head, that is. The rain here amazes me. One day it will be hot and dry, the next you'll be gifted with a lovely (in my opinion) rain shower with thunder and strange lightening. Last night it was going on, and during the day, and the day before that. It's just about 11:15 AM here, and it's still going strong. My only concern right now is losing my power, I'm almost always stuck to a wall with my little computer now, I've almost out juiced its battery, which is awful, since it's less than a year...oopsy.


I wish I could see stars here at night. I thought about that last night. I look out the window and I see a beautiful city lit up like a tree at Christmas and I am speechless. Even the worst of cities, it seems, can take your breath away at night. This is far from a bad city, but I'm only taking a wild guess. I would never want to live in a big city long term, but for now, I would not want anything else. Sadly though, when I look up in the sky here...it's black. I don't know why I can't....Brian said something about light pollution maybe. It makes sense, because at the lake house I saw more than I do now, still, very little night sky, but this leaves me with nothing.

The stars in the night sky make distance always seem so much less. I remember telling a friend one time to look up in the sky, he was far away, but nowhere near this distance. We talked about how beautiful the moon and the stars were that night, all through a text. It's goofy, but true.


I'm hoping to have a good weekend, which I'm sure I will. My friend from the other school in my city invited me to sleep over there tonight, so she's coming to pick me up this afternoon. Until then I have nothing more to say, just a quick message. Check my facebook for pictures, if you haven't already.

Well, America, you just really aren't that great....

No, I'm totally kidding. I love you America. I love to travel, and though I have been very few places in my life, the opportunities I have had to go to these places I am grateful for. I love to go to new places and learn new customs, even if the differences are only by state borders...AH! I just think about when I went to Wisconsin and Kentucky, and how they are so different from New York and from each other. That is one thing I LOVE about the United States. We are one small country, but we are full of so much diversity. An adventure can be a cars drive away, you just have to open your mind to it. Ohhh, my creative juices have been flowing.

Like I had said before, I'm definitely accepting it here more and more every day. My comfort levels are finally starting to go up. And my guard, a little bit down. I can't really imagine what the people see me as here. I know people were in shock my first few days here... My blond hair and my big blue eyes, it all stuck out so much in a sea of dark hair and brown eyes. Not to mention I did not talk at all. Now I'm talking a lot more, and annoying myself doing so as well. But! Every day I add a little more Portuguese into my days. I am trying. The one HUGE pet peeve I have though is my English. I'm starting to think the way I speak, which is slow and broken in order for most people to understand me better. I'm forgetting how to spell, too. Just words in English are starting to look really weird to my eyes.

The swelling of my finger went down A LOT today. It was dark purple for a while, and well, just plain ugly. I finished my giant chocolate bar in a day, so I went out today and bought another. So gross, but so delicious. I made the most odd Christmas list of my life. I'm asking for basic things and food from America. That's how it should be anyway, simple. I hate how commercialized Christmas has become. I'm not a big fan of the holiday in itself, but the season is absolutely wonderful.

I would absolutely LOVE it if anyone wanted to write me a letter. I understand that sending it can be a pain and costs more than an email, but really, there is something about a hand written letter that makes everything so much better. Facebook conversations and email messages (not like I get any of those, anyway) are impersonal. Letters are different. I'll post my address maybe, or just ask me if you want it. You're awesome.

I'm such a bad Brazilian. Everyone here loves meat and parties, the girls always have perfectly manicured nails and beautiful hair. I have a short lions mane, the worst nail beds ever and well, we all know how much I love my carne. Yum, murder. But like I've been saying, people here are really awesome.

My food woes are starting to fade. I'm craving less of what I had at home and getting used to it here. I don't think I miss American food as much as I miss just eating all the time, which is what I do. Here, I eat a small breakfast in the morning, then lunch and sometimes I'll have dinner. I eat SO MUCH less but I'm eating a lot healthier too (minus the chocolate, ohhh veganism I miss you so much)

Last night was my schools dance recital. Here they offer dance classes, and those are offered like a sports team would be. I remember on my first day they asked me if I played any sports, because here they have Basketball, Volleyball and Soccer. And dance too. Boys play soccer. Girls dance. But boys here dance too! And I said no to the question. Many have tried to teach me just the simplest dances here, and forget about the Samba....I can not dance, no, not at all. I love how they dance here though! Partner dancing to quick, upbeat music, I love it I love it I love it. I hate that I look like an idiot when I try, and no one knows how to explain it to me. Hahahahaha. Afterwards, we went to this restaurant. It was a pizza place, and also apparently they place to be after the schools thing, half the teachers were there and so many people from school, the place was packed.

I don't remember if I explain it, but teachers here are very different. In Brazil teachers and students have a more relaxed, friendly kind of relationship than in the U.S. At home, teachers have one goal, and that is to teach. Here, they are more of a friend that teaches you. And one you see around town, all the time (granted, it is a very small city). I don't recall one time where, after a school function, all the teachers went out to the same place and got their pizza and drink on. It is so funny and they are so open and goofy. I got home from dinner around midnight or half past. I was excruciatingly tired during the recital, but after dinner I was wide awake. Shower and facebook as usual, then a failed attempt at sleep. SUPER loud thunder woke me up at 530, no sleep after that. I have not been sleeping like I should, but it's fine. It's the weekend, then four more days of school until summer! HAHAHAHAHAH, how many of you can say that?

Red beans and rice didn't miss her....

This country is getting to me hahaha I am going insane. Every day at lunch, I have beans and rice. Beans and rice, along with lots of fried meat, is a staple here. Its such a common dish that it's perfected and always tastes good, but I know for a fact that (Brian will be grateful for this one) I will NEVER eat Panera black bean soup again. That was my favorite food back home, and anyone that knows me knows that Panera is my addiction, and there was a point back in the day when I went two-three times a week....minimum. That was also my last meal in America. I guess I'm going to have to discover some variety when I go back. It's just very convenient that my boyfriend works at my favorite restaurant :P

Anyway, every day at lunch I sit there with my host family and pretty much keep to myself. We don't talk much. I'm not very family oriented to begin with, so it's weird for me to be here with them. I do not know how to explain that. I always want to laugh, because unintentionally, I ALWAYS get "Baby got back" stuck in my head, and they probably think I'm loca because I smile and just don't talk or communicate with them very much. I just first of all have nothing to say (I don't know how to speak their language haha) and I have that song on repeat for the entire meal. It makes me think of Grace and Bridget (WOOOO BOOTY)

hahahaha! I remember the first real Brazilian booty I saw, it was before boarding my flight in D.C to Sao Paulo. I texted Bailey and Grace in excitement. Yes, I'm a creep.


I find it odd that I wrote yesterday, but I did not say a thing about my day. It was less eventful, to say the least. Even writing in my journal in school bored me to tears. I had fallen asleep three times in school. The first time, I was made awake by a hit on the head (thank you Daniel) the second, a dead beetle was thrown at me (thank you again, Daniel) and the third time, well...I wish I just did not wake up, we were watching "Dukes of Hazzard" in Spanish class....in Portuguese....and yes it's just as stupid in this language. I was so extremely tired, everyone thought I was sad again. I'm always a little bit upset, but mostly about the fact that I'm about as sleep deprived as my mother. That is pretty bad, by the way. At night I've been finding falling asleep impossible. I feel like my situation has completely reversed from when I got here. My first week and a half, I did not eat or speak, I just slept all the time. Now, I'm eating and talking up a storm, but sleep does not happen.
After lunch yesterday I really wanted candy, and I felt like a bum. I walked to the supermarket to get a chocolate bar (I took the stairs down too, which makes my American self lose my breath) and walked home from there in pouring rain! I ran into my neighbor, also my friends mom, and she invited me in to talk to her daughter. She speaks a little English so we talked for a little bit over coffee (bad idea sleep deprived Amy) then I headed upstairs to sleep. I could not sleep so I played around on my computer for a while before slapping my self in the head like a V8 commercial....

I had not uploaded any of my pictures from here because I forgot my USB cord on my bed in New York. I also forgot that there is a card reader built standard on computers now. So there are a few pictures up on facebook now, not very many of me, mostly just of around here and one party I went to.

I was up late last night again and sit here, ONCE MORE, just trying to sleep and I can't. There are always a million things on my brain, especially here.

School today was pretty uneventful. I learned some new phrases I probably should not know how to say. Every time someone comes up to me and tells me to say something, I do. hahahah, not a good idea on my part, but it's always super funny. The last class of the day today was gym, and here it's separated by gender. The boys played soccer (of course) and the girls played basketball. I got intense, I think, but it was short-lived. I jammed my finger and now it's the girth of a medium carrot. GO SAUSAGE FINGER GO!! It's huge and painful, and I can't move it.

Today my host mother asked me when I was staying here until, because my plan has been to leave asap since I got here. I said I did not know. We have to register my visa soon I guess, but the date of when I leave doesn't really matter unless it's past when it expires.

I still have time to think. As much as I have been enjoying it here lately, I realize that I only enjoyed myself after I truly thought about going home. I was excited that I COULD leave, and then all my worries melted away. The fact that I'm going to be here longer than I had anticipated is starting to sink in. I really do want to go home and go to school, get another job and everything. The people here are so amazing though, and I know no matter how much time I spend here, I will absolutely return one day.

There is NO way it's December...

I got a tan yesterday.

It's pouring rain right now and it makes me so happy. I love warm weather and sunshine, but more than anything I LOVE rain. Those ridiculous, warm downpours. I love them. I remember back home the first night I had my license, I was out driving around and it started to downpour like nothing I had ever seen. I had never driven in rain, bare in mind, and I'm a nervous driver anyway. So I freaked. But rain, it makes me want to run around outside and it always calms my nerves. So many people think of rain negatively, but it puts me in the best moods. Here, I have no grass to run in or porch to sit out and watch the sky on. But it was another awesome day here.

I meant to write yesterday, but I was, for once, extremely busy. Yesterday was an amazing day. The best day I had since coming here. School went by so quickly, and I'm getting really used to everyone here. Reguardless of the fact that I slept for four hours the night before and barely got out of bed that morning, it was a successful day. I took a test in Portuguese, as a total joke. I circled the answers to the three multiple choice questions by using the ever so wonderful "eenie meenie miney moe..." and drew a big smiley face in an open space on the test. In school I do a lot of writing in my notebook, just thoughts and whatever pops into my head at that particular moment. But I was getting bored with it so my teacher asked if I wanted a test and I said sure. I gave it a go, for about a minute and a half, then went outside (it was SOOOO beautiful out). I do absolutely nothing in school. I sit there, and revently I've been a little bit obnoxious, but hey, it happens. I have nothing really expected of me except to show up, which is nice.

Later that day I went to a second school, another private school in my city, with a new friend who goes there. She showed me around, brought me to her English school, and I spent a good chunk of the afternoon with her. We got my camera and walked around the city center taking pictures of Christmas things I wanted to show. We spent a lot of time just walking and talking and I had an AMAZING cake. I was SOOO shocked. Every treat and candy I've had since coming here was more than disappointing, but her mother bought this coconut cake that was moist and AMAZING. JUST AMAZING. The American in me still exists. Food makes me happier than pretty much anything, hahahah.

Finally, I went home and was ready to sleeeep. It was around 530 and I was so exhausted. My little sister came home and told me my friend from school was coming over after shes done with something downstairs... I died. I already took out my contacts and put on non clothes and wanted to pass out. I sucked it up and a bunch of people from school met up at her house to have chimarro. Chimarro is this herb that you drink, it is a little bit like tea...but not at all. It's definitely an acquired taste but I love it. There are special cups and these metal straws you use for it. It's more of a local kind of thing, but it's HUGE around here. I love it. We usually drink to herb with tang or some fruit juice. It tastes better that way.

I left early to go home and talk to Brian. That kills me more than almost anything. I can't say that I miss my family very much, because in honesty, I do not. My friends back home are extremely limited now. Brian is the one who makes effort to talk to me the most, which I love. It sucks so bad that my internet connection here is garbage, and he can barely ever see my face or hear me clearly. Talking to a screen image of my boyfriend is something I will never get used to, it's not him, but I'm more than grateful for any communication.

I realize that people are not reading my blog to hear me complain, so I'm turning a new leaf. Imprisonment, I have come to find, becomes much easier when you accept that fact that you're most likely not going anywhere for a very long time. I accept that, I suppose. Once you embrace it, it's all good. I don't miss much back home, and that makes staying here easier. I'm getting used to the food and the culture. I'm still lacking on my Portuguese effort...but every day I fall in love with this place even more.



Until next time :D

It's been tough...

This post was too negative.

Ola, America

:)