At least not for me.
I go to sleep every night hoping and praying that when I wake up, I will feel refreshed. I want to feel relaxed, comfortable, at peace. I can't. I wake up, and I feel so wrong, so out of place. I'm trying to find my happiness again, but every time I look, I see nothing. I feel nothing.
And so I sit.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
One month ago, yesterday.
And this was probably the most miserable month of my life. My spelling errors are improving slowly. I am remembering English, but messing up my sentences still. My Brazilian exchange student went home last week, and now I am speaking English only here...but speaking very little anyway. I have not left my house very much...I'm currently experiencing an inexplicable type of depression. It's subtle...but it is definitely there.
I wish luck to anyone who is son exchange, going on, or planning on it. Also, I encourage anyone out there to try it, even a short term, but I can't imagine staying any less time than I did.
Brasil will always be in my heart and on my mind. I will never forget it, and never forget to visit and keep in touch. I hope to go back sooner than later, and continue to broaden my view of the world. Add onto my global community. I start college in August. That's not a weird thought, but a little frightening. Not frightening because of the change, I feel like I can wade through ANYTHING now...Frightening because I will be broke, and my traveling would most likely have to be put on hold, if I were any other person. Money is not important to me, I have my life to pay off loans. The experience you gain from traveling is priceless, worth more than you can imagine. So...here's to the future.
I've realized that some may look at me crazy. No one understands me. I get told that a lot. You can't read me, one can not predict what I will do or say, not even my best friend. I am very close to crazy, I suppose, being that I live in a dream world. But the difference between myself and any other dreamer, is that I work until I reach that. I make my dreams reality. Always.
Good luck with life everyone, thank you all for reading.
I wish luck to anyone who is son exchange, going on, or planning on it. Also, I encourage anyone out there to try it, even a short term, but I can't imagine staying any less time than I did.
Brasil will always be in my heart and on my mind. I will never forget it, and never forget to visit and keep in touch. I hope to go back sooner than later, and continue to broaden my view of the world. Add onto my global community. I start college in August. That's not a weird thought, but a little frightening. Not frightening because of the change, I feel like I can wade through ANYTHING now...Frightening because I will be broke, and my traveling would most likely have to be put on hold, if I were any other person. Money is not important to me, I have my life to pay off loans. The experience you gain from traveling is priceless, worth more than you can imagine. So...here's to the future.
I've realized that some may look at me crazy. No one understands me. I get told that a lot. You can't read me, one can not predict what I will do or say, not even my best friend. I am very close to crazy, I suppose, being that I live in a dream world. But the difference between myself and any other dreamer, is that I work until I reach that. I make my dreams reality. Always.
Good luck with life everyone, thank you all for reading.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Surprise!
Well, I'm back "home" now. It feels so strange. I feel sick. I feel like doing nothing. It was a long trip, but not horrible. It feels like bad dream. I left on June 24th, the night of my high school graduation. I missed that, but I came back for Bailey's party last night. I arrived the same day as the party and it was all kept a surprise. She screamed so loud, and cried. It was so great to see her again. And Grace, Bridget, other friends. It was cool to see everyone again, and I was greeted pretty warmly by people I have not spoken to in such a long time. I did not feel like being at the party. It was a long trip, and the worst day of my life. I left everything I fell in love with back in Brasil. Everything. Including my life. I loved every single day. Even the bad ones.
I went to the airport in Curitiba with my Rotary President, his wife, daughter, and my boyfriend. It was harder than leaving here in the first place. I cried so much. I got sick on my first plane, and just....ignored that it as happening. It has yet to hit me as a reality. I am so far away, I am back where I always was, and I am bored, feeling awkward, and sick.
My best friend and the love of my life passed away. My dog. Beethoven. I loved him more than anything in this world. I always will. He was my first dog I ever had, the first thing I ever loved. I trained him and fed him, bathed him and took care of him. He was my baby. The cutest dog you will ever see. He passed away months ago, but no one told me. I came home to a quiet house, which never happened. I don't know why he was taken from me. I remember my entire exchange, everyone asked me "Aren't you homesick?" I said no. "You don't miss your family?!" No....just my dog.
And he is not here. I feel like if I was here, he still would be. I feel like it's my fault. I miss him entirely. I had dreams about him all the time, I always imagined seeing him around my city in Brasil, after he passed away, but I thought I was crazy. He was with me, and will always be in my heart. I never knew something could hurt so much. He was ripped from me. I would do anything, give ANYTHING, to have him back. I never even said goodbye. When I went to Brasil, I rubbed his tummy, gave him a treat and said "I'll see you soon" only then did I cry. Leaving him.
He was hit by a car. My parents found him in the street, and he was still alive...But he had internal bleeding and broke his hip I believe. she said his eyes were the same, but they just closed. Forever. This was on Christmas eve. He is in my yard now,
buried between the fruit trees.
I have never cried for a person dying. It is nature. But losing my dog, it has hurt me more than anything ever has. It hurts more than missing Brasil. I can go back to Brasil, but I can't have my baby back. I have never cried so much in my life.
Beethoven, I love you forever.
I do have another dog now. But he has not been replaced. Not even close. My mom adopted a Yorkie a few days ago. There was one at a local shelter, and he was going to be put down because no one could take him in. He has a problem in one eye, and his hips or legs. Sometimes they don't work right. He is very old (11 years) but very sweet. He is not a replacement.
I went to the airport in Curitiba with my Rotary President, his wife, daughter, and my boyfriend. It was harder than leaving here in the first place. I cried so much. I got sick on my first plane, and just....ignored that it as happening. It has yet to hit me as a reality. I am so far away, I am back where I always was, and I am bored, feeling awkward, and sick.
My best friend and the love of my life passed away. My dog. Beethoven. I loved him more than anything in this world. I always will. He was my first dog I ever had, the first thing I ever loved. I trained him and fed him, bathed him and took care of him. He was my baby. The cutest dog you will ever see. He passed away months ago, but no one told me. I came home to a quiet house, which never happened. I don't know why he was taken from me. I remember my entire exchange, everyone asked me "Aren't you homesick?" I said no. "You don't miss your family?!" No....just my dog.
And he is not here. I feel like if I was here, he still would be. I feel like it's my fault. I miss him entirely. I had dreams about him all the time, I always imagined seeing him around my city in Brasil, after he passed away, but I thought I was crazy. He was with me, and will always be in my heart. I never knew something could hurt so much. He was ripped from me. I would do anything, give ANYTHING, to have him back. I never even said goodbye. When I went to Brasil, I rubbed his tummy, gave him a treat and said "I'll see you soon" only then did I cry. Leaving him.
He was hit by a car. My parents found him in the street, and he was still alive...But he had internal bleeding and broke his hip I believe. she said his eyes were the same, but they just closed. Forever. This was on Christmas eve. He is in my yard now,
buried between the fruit trees.
I have never cried for a person dying. It is nature. But losing my dog, it has hurt me more than anything ever has. It hurts more than missing Brasil. I can go back to Brasil, but I can't have my baby back. I have never cried so much in my life.
Beethoven, I love you forever.
I do have another dog now. But he has not been replaced. Not even close. My mom adopted a Yorkie a few days ago. There was one at a local shelter, and he was going to be put down because no one could take him in. He has a problem in one eye, and his hips or legs. Sometimes they don't work right. He is very old (11 years) but very sweet. He is not a replacement.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I'm scared. I am never scared of anything.
Except butterflies. They are disgusting. But maybe that's what the problem is. butterflies...in my stomach.
My time here is running out. Every day is flying by me faster than I can grasp. I am so accustomed to life here. I love my life here. I am terrified of the day that I have to board that plane and ride back to New York.
My friends and family here always ask me if I am homesick. The answer is a definite "NO!" My first month here was the hardest experience of my life, but shortly after, I discovered a new life in me. In Brasil, EVERYTHING is different. I like it like this. I like to wake up every morning and have a legitimate smile on my face. I like walking through a city and feeling safe, or famous, or just....known. I never feel alone here. I can not say the same for New York.
I know that I will return here one day. To Palmas, yes, but to Brasil I am definite. I can, in all honesty, imagine a life in Brasil. A future. And I will be coming back. I hope to do my time in the Peace Corps after my first four years of college, and hopefully with my somewhat understandable Portuguese, I'll be in Brasil!
I am not done traveling yet. Not even close. I have heard so many people tell me "Enjoy this while you can, you won't have time later." You can forget that. I do what I want, what I feel is right and what I feel needs to be done. Always. When my mind is made, it's written in diamonds. It doesn't change. If I listened to other people in the first place, I never would have made it here.
To boil it all down, I do not want to leave. Ever.
My time here is running out. Every day is flying by me faster than I can grasp. I am so accustomed to life here. I love my life here. I am terrified of the day that I have to board that plane and ride back to New York.
My friends and family here always ask me if I am homesick. The answer is a definite "NO!" My first month here was the hardest experience of my life, but shortly after, I discovered a new life in me. In Brasil, EVERYTHING is different. I like it like this. I like to wake up every morning and have a legitimate smile on my face. I like walking through a city and feeling safe, or famous, or just....known. I never feel alone here. I can not say the same for New York.
I know that I will return here one day. To Palmas, yes, but to Brasil I am definite. I can, in all honesty, imagine a life in Brasil. A future. And I will be coming back. I hope to do my time in the Peace Corps after my first four years of college, and hopefully with my somewhat understandable Portuguese, I'll be in Brasil!
I am not done traveling yet. Not even close. I have heard so many people tell me "Enjoy this while you can, you won't have time later." You can forget that. I do what I want, what I feel is right and what I feel needs to be done. Always. When my mind is made, it's written in diamonds. It doesn't change. If I listened to other people in the first place, I never would have made it here.
To boil it all down, I do not want to leave. Ever.
Friday, June 10, 2011
A well deserved update...
First of all, I went to the Amazon just after my last post. I did some AMAZING things there. I spent two weeks there, five days in hotels and five on a boat in the river....can you imagine?! I couldn't either. I met so many amazing people and did some things a majority of the world can never say. I slept in a hammock on the boat, went piranha fishing, held a SLOTH from the wild, swam with botos (river dolphins) and I even took a jungle survival course :)
I think it's hilarious. As much as I support preserving our planet and nature, I don't even like camping. I am not a city person, but I don't belong in nature either. I forgot this until I arrived there, swarmed with heat, bugs and a whole hell of a lot of water. All in all though, it was a once in a lifetime trip. Not that I CAN'T do it again, I just doubt I would go through with it again! It wasn't just a vacation, it was actually challenging.
Speaking of challenges...for two or three days almost EVERYONE on the trip got super sick. Some stomach virus that was going around. That was very unpleasant. I thought I was going to die, really. Imagine: You are on a tour bus, and one by one, the exchangers drop like flies, running to the bathroom, grabbing bags, etc....SO FUN. But I didn't let myself miss a day, no matter how keeling over ill and dehydrated I was. Smart, no. But necessary. Others took medication and went to the hospital, I refused. Stubborn, Amy. I know.
Life has been pretty good since then. I just get frustrated at the harassment there. It's nothing SERIOUS, just annoying. I can't walk down the street or go to school without people being stupid. I wont get into that, it's not important. No matter how bad of a day I have here, it is never actually a bad day. I love my life here more than I have ever. I never want to leave, I love this country so much. The only thing that keeps me going day to day knowing I leave here so soon, is that I will return. I know I could live in Brasil one day and be happy. From what I have seen this year, happier than I have ever been in New York. There is something about it here...I can't put my finger on it.
I go back to NY so soon, it makes me ill actually to think about. It is too soon. I have a sick stomach when I think about it. I go back and have almost no friends. I have my best friends back there, but as I have had almost a year apart, so have they. What if we changed? I have a few friends here that I hope never to lose touch with. I love them so much. They know who they are.
OH AND I'M SCARED BECAUSE I FORGOT BASIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR/SPELLING/ I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE.
Counting down...
I think it's hilarious. As much as I support preserving our planet and nature, I don't even like camping. I am not a city person, but I don't belong in nature either. I forgot this until I arrived there, swarmed with heat, bugs and a whole hell of a lot of water. All in all though, it was a once in a lifetime trip. Not that I CAN'T do it again, I just doubt I would go through with it again! It wasn't just a vacation, it was actually challenging.
Speaking of challenges...for two or three days almost EVERYONE on the trip got super sick. Some stomach virus that was going around. That was very unpleasant. I thought I was going to die, really. Imagine: You are on a tour bus, and one by one, the exchangers drop like flies, running to the bathroom, grabbing bags, etc....SO FUN. But I didn't let myself miss a day, no matter how keeling over ill and dehydrated I was. Smart, no. But necessary. Others took medication and went to the hospital, I refused. Stubborn, Amy. I know.
Life has been pretty good since then. I just get frustrated at the harassment there. It's nothing SERIOUS, just annoying. I can't walk down the street or go to school without people being stupid. I wont get into that, it's not important. No matter how bad of a day I have here, it is never actually a bad day. I love my life here more than I have ever. I never want to leave, I love this country so much. The only thing that keeps me going day to day knowing I leave here so soon, is that I will return. I know I could live in Brasil one day and be happy. From what I have seen this year, happier than I have ever been in New York. There is something about it here...I can't put my finger on it.
I go back to NY so soon, it makes me ill actually to think about. It is too soon. I have a sick stomach when I think about it. I go back and have almost no friends. I have my best friends back there, but as I have had almost a year apart, so have they. What if we changed? I have a few friends here that I hope never to lose touch with. I love them so much. They know who they are.
OH AND I'M SCARED BECAUSE I FORGOT BASIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR/SPELLING/ I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE.
Counting down...
Monday, May 16, 2011
Oh, confusion!
Last night was very good, but once I came home it became a bit unpleasant.
I stayed in yesterday for most of the day. My parents had their relatives over to watch a big futbal game (Internacional x Gremio). My family now is for Inter. I am pretty shy with them all, so I stayed in my room. Wagninho came over around four and we left for a few hours, I ate pinhao at his house, and we drank tea- Let me rephrase...I drank tea, he drank hot sugar water. Gross. Nonetheless, I can not begin to explain how completely lost I would be here without him. He has become my best friend in this city, and I will love him forever (:
My trip for Amazonia starts tomorrow, or it is supposed to. There was a lot of confusion last night that made me nervous. I had to contact my parents in New York and run around a lot today. Hehehehe, I did not go to school today....
...FUNNY I DON'T REMEMBER SWALLOWING GLASS. I never get sick in New York. Here I sometimes get sore throats or fevers or sick from food and what not. My throat has been hurting on and off but today it's super sore. Last night too. I just bought some Halls...which people laugh at me for. Here, cough drops are candy, in the US...they are medication. Weird.
Tonight I have to go to Pato Branco, another city, and meet with another exchanger there. Then we are travelling together to the airport in Foz. I hope it all works out. I need to go on this trip! Ahh! I've been too excited for this since I have come here, so it's hard to imagine something getting messed up. I packed all day today. I'm so ready (:
I don't think I'll have internet for ten+ days...so I will try to update after then. But knowing me, I will get lazy.
I stayed in yesterday for most of the day. My parents had their relatives over to watch a big futbal game (Internacional x Gremio). My family now is for Inter. I am pretty shy with them all, so I stayed in my room. Wagninho came over around four and we left for a few hours, I ate pinhao at his house, and we drank tea- Let me rephrase...I drank tea, he drank hot sugar water. Gross. Nonetheless, I can not begin to explain how completely lost I would be here without him. He has become my best friend in this city, and I will love him forever (:
My trip for Amazonia starts tomorrow, or it is supposed to. There was a lot of confusion last night that made me nervous. I had to contact my parents in New York and run around a lot today. Hehehehe, I did not go to school today....
...FUNNY I DON'T REMEMBER SWALLOWING GLASS. I never get sick in New York. Here I sometimes get sore throats or fevers or sick from food and what not. My throat has been hurting on and off but today it's super sore. Last night too. I just bought some Halls...which people laugh at me for. Here, cough drops are candy, in the US...they are medication. Weird.
Tonight I have to go to Pato Branco, another city, and meet with another exchanger there. Then we are travelling together to the airport in Foz. I hope it all works out. I need to go on this trip! Ahh! I've been too excited for this since I have come here, so it's hard to imagine something getting messed up. I packed all day today. I'm so ready (:
I don't think I'll have internet for ten+ days...so I will try to update after then. But knowing me, I will get lazy.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Missing prom.
It hurts a little bit, I wont lie. I moved on and accepted the fact that I am separate from my class now. The class I WAS in, actually. It is just hard that I went sixteen years of my life with them all, and then was torn and placed in a separate group. I got over the shock of that months ago. But now, I see all of these pictures popping up on my Facebook news feed, and I just remember last year. I got ready for Junior prom with Bridget, and I had an amazing time. Senior prom for me was hard. I knew I definitely did not belong. But I had a pretty dress with a party after. Just flashbacks make me feel a little. But like I've said so many times before, I would not trade this time here for anything.
In fact...I kind of don't want to go back there...ever. It was the hardest thing I had done in my life, walking away from my two best friends at the airport. I was completely caught off guard. I never expected it to be that difficult. Now, the clock is ticking...and I am thinking about when I have to leave my life here, with fewer chances of returning that I would like. I have friends that want to meet me at the airport here, too. But this time, I don't know how I could walk away.
I knew that this trip would not last forever, so not being able to see my friends there did not kill me. I have three best friends in New York, who make me SO proud to be there for them. I love them to death, and I knew that they would still love me too, when I came back. Here, it is much more risky. I love some people here to the point where I hurt thinking about leaving. And I know I will return here in a few years, but what are the guarantees they will remember me? None.
On a lighter note, I hope everyone has an amazing time tonight!
In fact...I kind of don't want to go back there...ever. It was the hardest thing I had done in my life, walking away from my two best friends at the airport. I was completely caught off guard. I never expected it to be that difficult. Now, the clock is ticking...and I am thinking about when I have to leave my life here, with fewer chances of returning that I would like. I have friends that want to meet me at the airport here, too. But this time, I don't know how I could walk away.
I knew that this trip would not last forever, so not being able to see my friends there did not kill me. I have three best friends in New York, who make me SO proud to be there for them. I love them to death, and I knew that they would still love me too, when I came back. Here, it is much more risky. I love some people here to the point where I hurt thinking about leaving. And I know I will return here in a few years, but what are the guarantees they will remember me? None.
On a lighter note, I hope everyone has an amazing time tonight!
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