sort of.
Well, my entire life I have lived independently. I do not rely on other people and do not find myself close to many. I keep distance from blood relatives and have issues being social. For no reason other than my subconconcious obligation to myself to be alone forever. Not quite. But...well kind of.
But even the most callous, like myself, have emotions, despite all efforts to hide them.
Every exchange student has a different experience. No two will have it the same, regardless of where they go, or where they are from. We all get different families, come from different backgrounds, countries, states....the list goes on. I do not like the term "homesick" because to me, that is not the case. I do not miss my home, the people in it, or 99.86% of people back there. I miss, as I've said before, how I lived. I hate the feeling that my best friends live their lives daily and I have no idea what is going on. When I am sad, or bored or have a story, I can't just call up Bailey and say "I'm coming over, get Grace." I am not working. I am eating lots of cheese...hahaha....and as much as the feelings here have softened, and I have few harsh feelings towards life here now...you can never avoid the mood swings.
I have talked to other exhcangers too. All have been in their countries longer than myself. I know some who traveled in years past as well. And all agree that the bad feelinbgs are unpredictable. I agree completely. I was out having a perfectly good time with a friend the other night, and all of a sudden I got extremely depressed. For two days now I have been in a slump kind of mood. Not wanting to go out and see people. I went to the gym yesterday and had to buy some things. But the only person I really talked to was the trainer there. The gym is good stress relief, but when I came home...I ate awful things and rereated to my room for the rest of the evening, unable to sleep until very early today.
Sleep, you would think, would be a relief. But considering my dream and how extremely vivid it was...I find myself confused and frustrated more. Before I fell asleep I had completely convinced myself I was home. Looking around my room in the dark, it looked like mine back home...when I "woke up" I was in a world of Brazil and Clifton Park...and for once I remember it well. My dreams are always weird, and it may have something to do with the late night coffee here...but any night I could write a book from the strange things in my head. I am odd. Very, very odd.
Here, I get so frustrated sometimes. Frustration leads to hopelessness and wanting to just leave. I get frustrated when I understand, and people think I do not. I get mad when people talk at me full speed, and think I DO understand when I do not. I get mad when my families want to go out and I want to sleep. And I hate having to stay in bed all day. This is not, of course, all the time, but it just goes to show how completely unpredictable things can be here, at least for me.
In three days, I turn 18. I tried calling home yesterday, and I always remember how much I do not miss it there. My parents still piss me off, and I am on a different continent. I do not know what I want right now. From life or this experience. I actually have little reasoning for coming here. Do I regret it, no. But this decision was made just as all my others were. Randomly. Not thought out. I live life as it comes to me. That goes with it here as well.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Boredom
Not really.
I felt like posting again today. It is my Birthday week....when do I get to party? hahaha, well I'm mostly kidding. I have never been big on birthdays. I don't understand the significance. Celebrating the day you were born, but there are other things more important than aging another year. I feel weird because in 6 days, I will be 18. The difference has no meaning to me here, but back in New York, I have a full lisence, and can go to jail....and play the lottery....which is stupid. I don't feel like listing the ability to buy tobacco products because that is just stupid and has no nor will ever have any, significance to me. In Brazil, 18 is the drinking age. Though, they joke, "when you're tall enough to reach the bar, you're old enough to order." I love the relaxed lifestyle here.
Not about drinking, but about life. My last year in New York...I was STRESSED. All the time. I was always busy with school or work. I lost touch with friends and did not take very good care of myself. Here, I have learned to relax again, and just go with what every day brings. Granted, life is COMPLETELY different in Brazil than it is in New York. Sometimes I forget where I am actually from.
I was reading through the blog of an ex-exchanger just now...that is what prompted this random post. She was in Brazil last year and seemed to have difficulty fathoming the idea of living without Brazil....or her home. I am the kind of person, no matter where I am, I feel out of place. Here, as completely out of place as I am...I am happy. I get frustrated to tears sometimes, but can always seem to laugh it off. I have no idea what going home will be like. I just know that in New York...I was miserable. I have no desire to go back to what I have always known. That's not like me. I like change, need excitement and always need a challenge.
More later.
I felt like posting again today. It is my Birthday week....when do I get to party? hahaha, well I'm mostly kidding. I have never been big on birthdays. I don't understand the significance. Celebrating the day you were born, but there are other things more important than aging another year. I feel weird because in 6 days, I will be 18. The difference has no meaning to me here, but back in New York, I have a full lisence, and can go to jail....and play the lottery....which is stupid. I don't feel like listing the ability to buy tobacco products because that is just stupid and has no nor will ever have any, significance to me. In Brazil, 18 is the drinking age. Though, they joke, "when you're tall enough to reach the bar, you're old enough to order." I love the relaxed lifestyle here.
Not about drinking, but about life. My last year in New York...I was STRESSED. All the time. I was always busy with school or work. I lost touch with friends and did not take very good care of myself. Here, I have learned to relax again, and just go with what every day brings. Granted, life is COMPLETELY different in Brazil than it is in New York. Sometimes I forget where I am actually from.
I was reading through the blog of an ex-exchanger just now...that is what prompted this random post. She was in Brazil last year and seemed to have difficulty fathoming the idea of living without Brazil....or her home. I am the kind of person, no matter where I am, I feel out of place. Here, as completely out of place as I am...I am happy. I get frustrated to tears sometimes, but can always seem to laugh it off. I have no idea what going home will be like. I just know that in New York...I was miserable. I have no desire to go back to what I have always known. That's not like me. I like change, need excitement and always need a challenge.
More later.
Friday, January 14, 2011
A much needed (vague) update
It’s been a long time. And because of this, I seem to have a problem using my own keyboard. I’ve been using a desktop with a Brazilian keyboard for a few weeks now, and keep reaching for the right keys in the wrong places. It has been a good journey thus far. Minus the fact that I right now live in a home WITHOUT internet, and have otherwise no form of communication with people here or in New York…I am okay for now. I am no longer in a long distance relationship….which worked as a relief of me down here. People do not understand the difficulties it brings to an exchange until they live it. I have to live in the moment, here, and not try to wonder what life is like 5000 miles away. To be completely honest, I could care less what most of you are doing in New York. I do not live there. I barely know any of you now. We live separate lives with different experiences. I have no intention of bothering to find out what you do every weekend and who your best friends are now. It sounds harsh, but my connections to Clifton Park are now extremely limited to about four people. One is my mother. Hahahahahahahaha,
To anyone who has written to me in my time here so far. THANK YOU. I love letters and whatever you wish to send. I know it can be a pain to send and expensive but it is so great to get things from home. As much as I do not miss it….some things are missing here….ya know? I realize now that my English is worse than I could ever have imagined. Usually here, I either do not talk at all, or I attempt to speak Portuguese….I am SUPER shy about talking though. I have one friend I speak Portuguese to, because he does not give a damn if I mess up hahah, he usually understands! Mort than my English, at least…
My family speaks no English now, like I have said. It has helped a tremendous amount being in a family that actually wants to talk to me, and in Portuguese too…but yeah. I get super frustrated sometimes. Less than when I began here, but the other day I could not figure something out and had a tiny fit….teeny tiny, but I figured it out. It can be so frustrating sometimes, not knowing how to speak….but it just makes you want to try harder.
I’ve been going to the gym lately. Because diets are for quitters. And the chances of me limiting my food intake are slim to none. I love it, I just wish I was notin as poor of shape as I am. I do not know how I got so out of shape! I’m not even 18 yet! I used to run a lot and fitness was always important to me, since I never want to see fat steriod amy ever again…but I got SOOO lazy. Since I stopped being vegan, I think. But maintaining muscle mass is SO much easier when I am not vegan. Though I get sluggish and don’t have energy to do anything. Now thay Ive been going out more…laziness is decreasing.
SPEAKING OF WHICH. I RODE A HORSE. Two….actually. Not at the same time….two different horses….two different days….yeah. When I was younger I was in love with horses! Not the typical little girl horse thing, but I wanted to ride so badly. My father had a horse when he was young. A lot of my relatives did, or they rode. I always wanted a farm. But not to kill animals…to love them J I loved riding though. I remember being on horseback like one or two times in my life, a loooooong time ago. But it is a real fear I have, speaking to animals here. I wonder what they think when someone speaks to them ina foreign language….I didn’t want to freak out the horses…or dogs or other animals. Same thing with babies. This one I lawyas see…she jus stares at my eyes, because blue eyes don’t happen that often….and when I speak….she looks….confused.
This family I have now keeps me a lotttt more busy than my other had. But right now, they are leaving for a cruise…and I am in a temporary family. Without internet…yeah seriously. They are nice thoguh. My birthday is in like a week. 18. Where the heck did that come from? I feel old. And unaccomplished. Though I am neither old, nor unaccomplished. I just have impossible standards and am curious as to how my last 5 years od life flew by (since I was 13 time flew, I guess).
It is a beauuuutiful day out today! Sunny and warm, not too hot...but for some reason I feel like staying in for now. I took a looong shower today...and laughed because I always wonder how it is I take better showers in a third world country than in New York...who knows. I miss Bailey and Grace and Bridget right now. I always want to update them, but then by the time I get to talk to them, I forget half my story. Grrr. I can't wait to see them again! Everyone else..eh, you're alright.
I am getting so, SO bored with facebook. I wonder how much longer I'll keep it. I remember when Myspace (oldie, I know, right?) was ALL the rage then it just kind of died...(if any of you still have a Myspace, I apologize...but it's time came a long time ago...) I liked before that less people had facebook. Now, everyone and their mom (literally) has one, and it's far too easy to stalk someones every move. I keep it now to keep people who wonder about it here updated, also to keep in touch with some people here, as I have no phone...hmph.
I hope to be getting out some more....please brasil dont let this weekend suck! ;) andddd i am going to work on uploading my iguacu pictures right now. check back for more later!
To anyone who has written to me in my time here so far. THANK YOU. I love letters and whatever you wish to send. I know it can be a pain to send and expensive but it is so great to get things from home. As much as I do not miss it….some things are missing here….ya know? I realize now that my English is worse than I could ever have imagined. Usually here, I either do not talk at all, or I attempt to speak Portuguese….I am SUPER shy about talking though. I have one friend I speak Portuguese to, because he does not give a damn if I mess up hahah, he usually understands! Mort than my English, at least…
My family speaks no English now, like I have said. It has helped a tremendous amount being in a family that actually wants to talk to me, and in Portuguese too…but yeah. I get super frustrated sometimes. Less than when I began here, but the other day I could not figure something out and had a tiny fit….teeny tiny, but I figured it out. It can be so frustrating sometimes, not knowing how to speak….but it just makes you want to try harder.
I’ve been going to the gym lately. Because diets are for quitters. And the chances of me limiting my food intake are slim to none. I love it, I just wish I was notin as poor of shape as I am. I do not know how I got so out of shape! I’m not even 18 yet! I used to run a lot and fitness was always important to me, since I never want to see fat steriod amy ever again…but I got SOOO lazy. Since I stopped being vegan, I think. But maintaining muscle mass is SO much easier when I am not vegan. Though I get sluggish and don’t have energy to do anything. Now thay Ive been going out more…laziness is decreasing.
SPEAKING OF WHICH. I RODE A HORSE. Two….actually. Not at the same time….two different horses….two different days….yeah. When I was younger I was in love with horses! Not the typical little girl horse thing, but I wanted to ride so badly. My father had a horse when he was young. A lot of my relatives did, or they rode. I always wanted a farm. But not to kill animals…to love them J I loved riding though. I remember being on horseback like one or two times in my life, a loooooong time ago. But it is a real fear I have, speaking to animals here. I wonder what they think when someone speaks to them ina foreign language….I didn’t want to freak out the horses…or dogs or other animals. Same thing with babies. This one I lawyas see…she jus stares at my eyes, because blue eyes don’t happen that often….and when I speak….she looks….confused.
This family I have now keeps me a lotttt more busy than my other had. But right now, they are leaving for a cruise…and I am in a temporary family. Without internet…yeah seriously. They are nice thoguh. My birthday is in like a week. 18. Where the heck did that come from? I feel old. And unaccomplished. Though I am neither old, nor unaccomplished. I just have impossible standards and am curious as to how my last 5 years od life flew by (since I was 13 time flew, I guess).
It is a beauuuutiful day out today! Sunny and warm, not too hot...but for some reason I feel like staying in for now. I took a looong shower today...and laughed because I always wonder how it is I take better showers in a third world country than in New York...who knows. I miss Bailey and Grace and Bridget right now. I always want to update them, but then by the time I get to talk to them, I forget half my story. Grrr. I can't wait to see them again! Everyone else..eh, you're alright.
I am getting so, SO bored with facebook. I wonder how much longer I'll keep it. I remember when Myspace (oldie, I know, right?) was ALL the rage then it just kind of died...(if any of you still have a Myspace, I apologize...but it's time came a long time ago...) I liked before that less people had facebook. Now, everyone and their mom (literally) has one, and it's far too easy to stalk someones every move. I keep it now to keep people who wonder about it here updated, also to keep in touch with some people here, as I have no phone...hmph.
I hope to be getting out some more....please brasil dont let this weekend suck! ;) andddd i am going to work on uploading my iguacu pictures right now. check back for more later!
Friday, January 7, 2011
To Iguaçu...and beyond?
I went to Iguaçu falls. It was purdy. I have lots of pictures, but won't upload them until I get back on my computer. I'd never been so such a large waterfall before. Here they are called cataratas. I was supposed to go to Iguaçu in October, I think, with the other exchange students in my district here...but I had not gotten here yet. I missed out on that, but at least I got to see it, ya know? Google search: Foz de Iguaçu. It is quite impressive.
I'll write more later, it is a lazy day.
I'll write more later, it is a lazy day.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Now THAT is a horse of a different color
HAAAAAH. You don't find that as amusing as I do, I'm sure. I was in the shower just now and all I could think about was the Wizard of Oz. "Why?" you ask, well....let me tell you.... hahahhaah okay. I'm done now.
In all seriousness...I should probably be more scared than impressed at my body's ability to turn this shade of brown....considering my natural lack of any pigmentation WHAT so ever. I'm like the horse in Oz! I was white...then red (as hell)..and now I am a nice burnt siena....not quite so dark...but it is impressive. Oh, I also used to be orange! oh yes. Like I said, I should be more worried than I am, but for now, let me enjoy this.
The downside though, is that I have a long lasting Amy-colored bikini on whenever I take my clothes off. Next time I go to the pool....I'm wearing a different one...just because. Also, the fact that I have somehow magically turned reptillian, and my skin has decided to shed itself. Well...how gross can it get. I love gross things though. I'm gross. Forget you :)
This morning I got a manicure. Pink :) It's like a pretty bubblegum colour... with designs (white and blue flowers and stuff) on the pinky, thumb and favorite finger of each hand. A lot of people do business out of their homes, and this lady did manicures and pedicures from her place...if I hadn't been here this long it would have sketched me out to be in the lesser part of the city in a strangers house and hwta not. But things here are just different. It felt like nothing out of the ordinary really. Oh. And the best part...it cost 7 Reais. Which is like... $4.20 USD. At home I used to get manicures once and a while when I wanted something special...because they are expensive. Not here. And I found it funny that I got a better manicure from this one woman than I did from a high end salon my first week here. :)
I love so much about it here. Not necessarily the city, but Palmas is perfect for me right now. The country and the culture and the people...the life all around. I do not want to go back home hahah. Two months in and I kind of have fallen in love. If I weren't on exchange it would be sooo amazing too, in different ways. But being here on exchange made things a lot easier. Life is funny as an exchange student. One of my rules here is like...no SERIOUS relationships...they didn't say anything about marriage though. So beware, I may come home with dual citizenship...
hahahahah I wiiiiish.
And last night we made fondue and french fries. And we watched Hot Tub Time Machine...which has some other name here. And yes, it is just as bad in Portuguese.
In all seriousness...I should probably be more scared than impressed at my body's ability to turn this shade of brown....considering my natural lack of any pigmentation WHAT so ever. I'm like the horse in Oz! I was white...then red (as hell)..and now I am a nice burnt siena....not quite so dark...but it is impressive. Oh, I also used to be orange! oh yes. Like I said, I should be more worried than I am, but for now, let me enjoy this.
The downside though, is that I have a long lasting Amy-colored bikini on whenever I take my clothes off. Next time I go to the pool....I'm wearing a different one...just because. Also, the fact that I have somehow magically turned reptillian, and my skin has decided to shed itself. Well...how gross can it get. I love gross things though. I'm gross. Forget you :)
This morning I got a manicure. Pink :) It's like a pretty bubblegum colour... with designs (white and blue flowers and stuff) on the pinky, thumb and favorite finger of each hand. A lot of people do business out of their homes, and this lady did manicures and pedicures from her place...if I hadn't been here this long it would have sketched me out to be in the lesser part of the city in a strangers house and hwta not. But things here are just different. It felt like nothing out of the ordinary really. Oh. And the best part...it cost 7 Reais. Which is like... $4.20 USD. At home I used to get manicures once and a while when I wanted something special...because they are expensive. Not here. And I found it funny that I got a better manicure from this one woman than I did from a high end salon my first week here. :)
I love so much about it here. Not necessarily the city, but Palmas is perfect for me right now. The country and the culture and the people...the life all around. I do not want to go back home hahah. Two months in and I kind of have fallen in love. If I weren't on exchange it would be sooo amazing too, in different ways. But being here on exchange made things a lot easier. Life is funny as an exchange student. One of my rules here is like...no SERIOUS relationships...they didn't say anything about marriage though. So beware, I may come home with dual citizenship...
hahahahah I wiiiiish.
And last night we made fondue and french fries. And we watched Hot Tub Time Machine...which has some other name here. And yes, it is just as bad in Portuguese.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Happy New Year!
Just a little bit late...
It was really funny to think that the moment we popped open our bottles here on the last day of 2010...it was of no significance to anyone back home. At the stroke of midnight, off went fireworks and corks and cheers and cameras just outside the club...and in New York, it was but 9 pm. I found that more entertaining than you, I am sure.
On New Years Eve, I got dresses up, made up, shoes on, and went to church. Hahahha, my parents now go to church, and I really liked it actually. It was cool to see how things are different and how they are the same. A lot of it was familiar, actually, being that it was a Catholic church. I spent a good portion of my life going weekly to services at all different kinds of churches. I also could follow along with a lot of it, from the hand out, and got to practice my reading ;)The Peace was very long! Not very, but compared to most I have seen. People spent a few minutes greeting everyone around them, very sweet. I think the entire thing lasted maybe an hour.
After church we picked up my host sister, then went to the club. The club that hosts the Formaturas and has the gym and pools...they have a New Year party too! It started around 11 with dinner, which was very good :) and we just sat with our families, eating and talking. Then, with ten minutes left, the entire bulding went to the back and waited...all with bottles of champagne. We counted down at ten seconds (IN PORTUGUESE, GO ME!) and bam. Fireworks (SO unsafe) and happiness
We then went back inside, and a band started to sing and people danced. This was a lot like the Formaturas, except it was more of a family event than just for the younger ones. Later on more people started to come, more that I knew...and it was a big party. I had fun :) I got home around 4:30. I can tell 2011 is going to be a very good year :)
It was really funny to think that the moment we popped open our bottles here on the last day of 2010...it was of no significance to anyone back home. At the stroke of midnight, off went fireworks and corks and cheers and cameras just outside the club...and in New York, it was but 9 pm. I found that more entertaining than you, I am sure.
On New Years Eve, I got dresses up, made up, shoes on, and went to church. Hahahha, my parents now go to church, and I really liked it actually. It was cool to see how things are different and how they are the same. A lot of it was familiar, actually, being that it was a Catholic church. I spent a good portion of my life going weekly to services at all different kinds of churches. I also could follow along with a lot of it, from the hand out, and got to practice my reading ;)The Peace was very long! Not very, but compared to most I have seen. People spent a few minutes greeting everyone around them, very sweet. I think the entire thing lasted maybe an hour.
After church we picked up my host sister, then went to the club. The club that hosts the Formaturas and has the gym and pools...they have a New Year party too! It started around 11 with dinner, which was very good :) and we just sat with our families, eating and talking. Then, with ten minutes left, the entire bulding went to the back and waited...all with bottles of champagne. We counted down at ten seconds (IN PORTUGUESE, GO ME!) and bam. Fireworks (SO unsafe) and happiness
We then went back inside, and a band started to sing and people danced. This was a lot like the Formaturas, except it was more of a family event than just for the younger ones. Later on more people started to come, more that I knew...and it was a big party. I had fun :) I got home around 4:30. I can tell 2011 is going to be a very good year :)
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