You leave everything for a "cultural experience"

And half way through you are over your head in love with a place you wish you could know forever.

Mixed feelings.

I am more than one half of my way through my exchange. I don't want to be. I am happier here than I can ever remember being. Seriously. I get frustrated sometimes, and sometimes I am bored to tears...But I am happy. I don't particularly love staying with families and what not....but it was great. Last night I talked to my previous host mother, and we were having an actual conversation. In portuguese. My language fades in and out, and sometimes I get pissed because I try to talk and people are like OH YOU SUCK oh, well, THEN LEARN ENGLISH. But I was speaking with her and another woman at the meeting last night, and I was surprised afterwards how well my words flowed together.

I don't want to leave here to go back home and be the same thing. Unhappy. I was never happy in New York. Waking up every morning was a struggle and getting out of bed to work and just go into the same routine of nothing. Now, I will go back to go to school, to a college I am not particularly interested, for a major I do not know what to do with, and a future I know nothing about. I have plans, but how much can that actually help?


I do not want to go back, not to New York, not to where I have lived my entire life. Same people, same place, same feelings.

Right now it is a mix of irritation and sad and anger and everything. I am enjoying the rest of my time here...but I have to think about going home all the time....college planning and what not.


I dislike New York.

I moved!

Again.

I like this family so far, but it is always strange to being so accustomed to one home, and then up and leave a week later, for somewhere different with a different family and different...everything. But I was nervous before...and now, not SO much.

First of, let me start off by saying this. NO INTERNET. Unlike the United States, internet here is not a given. Everyone does not have it. No internet in mynew apartment, just because. To use it, I come to the office anytime I want from 1-6 PM....only. It's horrible for me. I am not a "tech-junkie" by any means...but I need my internet. I can live without my cell phone, which I dont have here anyway. I don't watch TV, or did not before...and I have never had an ipod...I am an internet person. My little computer is now taking up space in my empty bags. Sad.

I also moved from a house to an apartment. So far, I have lived in three apartments, and one house here. I hate apartments...the benefit though, is that the weather is lovely and I can sleep with the window open a little bit, and bugs will not come in.

Also, I have a little sister. Seven years old, adorable, and a sweetheart. Kids are not, nor have they ever been my thing...but we played for a few hours last night, taught eachother words and watched Hannah Montana. YES.

It is also kind of on the COMPLETE opposit side of town than my school. Amy's getting her workout on woooo! I live one block from the gym...so I should probably start going back here.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I am OBSESSED with Brazilian music. No. Sertenajo. I LOVE it. It1s this kind of country, pop, love music. The sounds are always beautiful, and I only understand some words and some songs, I WISH I knew lyrics. I will probably buy an ipod when I return to New York just to fill it up with Brazilian music. Beautiful.

I am sitting in the office right now drinking Gatorade...which like everything else is COMPLETELY different. Yesterday I tried the lemon, and it's not BRIGHT yellow,but looks more like natural lemon juice...also, it tastes good. Now: Frutas Cítricas. It tastes like grapefruit and carrot. Interesting.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I'm LOVING telling this story now:

I was called into the office yesterday afternoon. Ten minutes before school ended...I recieved the typical "oohs" and "ahhs" when I walked from my seat to the door. One friend was smiling WAY too big though. SOMETHING was going on.
I walked into the office (a door one foot away from the door to my classroom) and the secretary there pointed to this bouquet on the desk. It was for me. It was awkwardly large and yes, there was a card attatched. If you know me, you know exactly who these glittering roses and flowers were from. I could not help but smile, as MAD as I was at him.

My entire class looked at me and giggled and laughed...they also knew EXACTLY the boy who sent those. Imagine walking nine blocks, in a school uniform, obviously walking home from it having just ended...backpack and all....with a giant bouquet. Yeah....I got stared at, even by people that know me.

And might I add, what a lovely story that was for me to tell my new family THE FIRST DAY I was there. They laughed at me and I laughed at myself. Now, they sit in the entrance, in a lovely crystal vase, beautiful as ever. "I'm sorry/I love you" flowers. Damn. My new little sister, she and I refer to the boy (that I left unnamed) locoloco. That is his name :D

I can say this right now, leaving him will be the hardest thing I can imagine...

Misinterpretations.

I hope I spelled that right.

I'm too stubborn though, to check my spelling on here, out of confidence in myself, same as I refuse to use a translator, and I definitely confuse people here that way.

Well, I thought I had been told that I was moving Quarta-feira, which is Wednesday....so, on Monday I started to pack. I guess I shocked them because everyone is like "ready to go?" Opa.

I was nervous about my next house, and still am a little...but I was nervous about this house as well... and it turned out pretty well.

Now I am moving Monday after lunch. Crazy. I've been living in this house for three months already. It flew by. The only thing I missed was using MY computer, and being able to go out at night.

The other night after work, Wagninho came over. He had a little coffee with us and talked. Then he and I headed outside and while I was talking, I realized he just nods and smiles too much. He doesn't understand ANY English...besides "BEAUTIFUL GIRL!" hahahaha, so...I started to teach. I think I got somewhere, but we really only read a little bit and I taught him the days of the week in English. It's a start, right?

I would be the teacher everyone dislikes because I give too much work, I'm sure.

Two nights ago, I went to work with my current hostmother. She works at a public school in my city, and I go to school in the morning, she works sometimes in the mornings and afternoons, but at night there as well. Night school is SO different, firstly, it starts at seven and ends around 11.
The difference between public schools and private (where I currently attend) is shocking. All in all though, I was kept busy doing office jobs that night and it was fun :)

I went bowling last night... I convinced the boys to go because I said I would pay. It's cheaper here than in New York, though the boys said it would be expensive. Nooope. Four of us played three games in one house for less than 30 reals. I had fun, I lost miserably the first game, but won the last with a whopping score of 82...PATHETIC. But the boys stopped trying...so...I won. They messed up my last shot though :(

It's been good. I booked a date to come home, I'm TRYING to book my Amazonia trip, but my mother is ignoring my e-mails. I wish I could list on here the things that just irritate me beyond belief. Incompetency would definitely be there.

Oh, and I'm a LITTLE jealous. So many people I know on exchange are being visited in their last month here by family and friends and what not. It would be pretty sick to show people more than just pictures, it's great...but no. One boy is even flying home with them. Well, THAT would irritate me. Another thing. I like people. But for short periods of time :D

in a bad mood, for no reason at all

Today was a good day, but for some reason I ended up where I am right now, in that mood where EVERYTHING pisses you off...even the thought of someone, or the sound of someone's voice. Yes.

Also, in my bad mood, I realize how badly I don't want to go home in however long it is until my departure. I do like it here a lot, but that's not entirely why. I hate living with my parents, and having to see family, and live in close proximity to everyone who has always been. The fact that I am most likely going to college so close, it makes me sick. I don't want to, but my options are limited. I can always transfer, if I look into schools more....like I forgot to before. I hate that being around people you know brings on a sense of dependency, and I hate that. I live by myself and will be a hermit for life, I don't deny it. I am unfriendly sometimes. I am always friendly to new people and people for a period of time, but I get irritated too quickly, I am better off alone.

Yesterday, I said I wanted York Peppermint Patties. When I was younger those were my favorite candies ever. I just finished the last package of hot cocoa I had been sent here...and they were all (except one packet) mint chocolate. I hate mint.

I woke up this morning and was informed, by the maid, that I am moving Wednesday. I had no idea...and I'm pretty apprehensive about it. I feel like whenever I start to get comfortable in a place, I'm shipped off. Boo.

Today was great though. I went to another farm for a party, with the same family I went with yesterday. I rode a horse, played in a river (YES, REALLY), attempted to fish in the fish-less river, and just had a really good time. I felt really relaxed with them all, it's great. Regardless of the fact that I pretty much can not breathe, it was a successful day.

No one works tomorrow. It's the official Carnival feriado day. No work. Holiday.



I WANT MAIL.
Hm.

Things I am craving as we speak:

York Peppermint Patties, Cherry BlowPops, Panera Bread Bowls, my chocolate chip cookies, pickles on my ice cream, TERRY Dineen's (vegan <3) Yellow Pea Soup, PB&J (which I actually detest), SmartLife vegan sausage, Lay's Classic.

People I am missing right now: Four people and one doggy.

People I don't want on Facebook: My mother.

What else is on my mind: Twitter.

Stressing, JUST a tad.

College, memories, here, there, and everything else.

Let me start out happy. First off, IT'S CARNAVAL!! In my city here, there is really not much going on, anything really, for the week, but I got twelve hours of sleep last night and I am not complaining. Plus, a week of school vacation (alomst a week). I have been sleeping a ridiculous amount lately. Going to bed early, here, it just doesn't happen. But I let nothing interrupt my sleep, I am not Brazilian in that way. hehehe. I've been in bed by 9:30 most days, and wake up by my mental alarm clock at 6:30 every morning. After school, I get home, eat lunch, then take a very long nap :D It's great. I only slept in school two times last week too, thank yu very much.

Also, last night I went to the bus station with Wagninho to see some friends come in from Curitiba! I was really excited, one goes to a different high school there, another to university. I miss those boys like crazy and talking to them for a little bit was great. And...It's only been a few weeks since I've seen them!

I hate that my college is not worked out yet. I always have doubts and take into account well...EVERY little thing about it. I'm two steps away from just going to HVCC when I come back, and sorting it out from there...but I most likely will not. I wanted to go to UK, which is huge and far away. I'm not sure how good their academics are..but I wanted to go somewhere large where I can be myself and at times remain anonymous. Also, 13 hours seems like a good distance.

I always said that once I leave home, I don't want to come back. I've said that and meant it since I can remember, but if I come back from BRAZIL and go to college 20 minutes from where I have lived my entire life...I may have to hate myself.

I wish sometimes, that I could somehow stay here...though I know I cannot. I am happy here, happy for the first time in life. I don't miss family, and very few friends have left any impact on me. I find myself more and more puzzled every day. I have to go back to New York, and go to college. For what and to be what, I really do not know. I always change my mind. I do not like to feel "stuck" and I always do what I feel is right.

At the same time, I log onto facebook and see all these memories I feel like I should have been a part of. I am not a sentimental person at all. I just think a lot. I always thought that I would graduate with my friends, and enemies, and now it's different. I remember reading an article online, it said that facebook lowers your self esteem. People read about how awesome everyone else's lives are and it makes you think bad of your own. That's not really my case. I am still smiling, and will until I board that plane in July.

College stress is getting to me, and it's so much harder to do all my waiting and deciding here.